Water.

Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and…water.

When i only ate a bite of my lunch and threw the rest away.

You didnt notice.

And you didnt notice how i always went to the bathroom straight after eating, either.

Of course. You didnt follow me, so you couldnt have heard my tears hit the floor as i told myself to push my fingers just a little farther down my throat.

Choking as my sanity came up and flushing it down the toilet.

Washing my mouth out, careful not to swallow the extra calories that might be lurking in the tap water like demons.

Trying diets i had found on the internet.

Sneaking food into the trash when you weren’t looking.

Eating in front of a mirror.

Crying over a bathroom scale,

Cause i only felt pretty when i was hungry.

constantly attempting the ABC diet.

500 calories the first day, 500 calories the second day, 300 calories, 400, 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, Fast.

Ana was my best friend.

Along with her sister Mia.

Reminding me how fat and ugly i look in every mirror or pane of glass i so much as glanced at.

Promising that life would be better when i’m thin.

And i believed them.

150, 200, 400, 350, 250, 200, Fast.

Some people say they don't remember the first time they chose not to eat. I do. I remember looking at the food on my plate and telling myself I wouldn't eat because I wanted to be pretty.

200, 100, Fast.

I lost 5 pounds, then 10, then 20. Striving to be double digits and not triple.

I was so focused on becoming the shape I was supposed to be. “Nothing tastes as great as skinny feels” I would tell myself, twisting and turning in the mirror, sucking in my stomach.

250, 200, 150, 100, 50, 100, 200, 200, 300, 800, Fast.

I told you about my eating disorder,

But you shook your head and rolled your eyes and told me to shut up because i didnt look “anorexic”

250, 350, 450, Fast.

Fighting a daily battle, trying to convince myself it is just an apple, not 95 calories, 13 hours without food, 75 situps. Trying to reprogram my brain to be normal.  

500, 450, 400, 350, 300, 250, 200, 200, 250, 200, 300, 200, 150, Fast.

Am i pretty yet?