Alive and Free
Location
I threw my blanket over my head
And snoozed the alarm above my bed
My mind on school and education
My body heavy with abnegation
I was wrapped in a deep, dark sleep
It hushed me peacefully back into a lullaby
It wiped my tears, “Don’t you cry!”
I doubted my capabilities and fears
So I stayed in bed to hide from my peers
I knew they wouldn’t understand
It sounds hysterical to explain
I don’t want to be one to complain
First, pain. Self-doubt. Lust.
How do I explain that I don’t know who to trust?
Daddy-issues. Attention seeking. Complainer. Weak.
What made me better than what they called me?
Maybe I was what I couldn’t see
Maybe I shouldn’t have been affected by something so minuscule
God, I felt like a fucking fool
I told myself to stop crying
“No one cares about you, you’re just an obligation.
A burden” - I believed I was a waste of a creation
I didn’t need your pity, stare, or apology
There was no use -- sitting here learning physiology
I thought if I asked questions, I’d learn how to fix it all
The pain in my heart, my elbows, my knees
Tendinitis -- I was now mentally and physically infested, contaminated, seized.
I wish my teachers could tell me how to make it stop
It infested those around me, soon I was waiting for his “pre-op”
“He has acute leukemia”
There was no ending. But I didn’t want to complain
I’m not weak, I won’t cry and let something small cause me pain
I, the mighty and strong who did not fuss,
Aren’t you proud of me? You must
I broke myself down, normalized pain and loneliness for you
I felt alive, but not living, just existing
I breathed and ate, and felt shame in even that, unresisting
To the world, no longer fighting for my right to be alive
I had no right, a burden like me, to thrive
So I snoozed my alarm, and surrendered, preparing to be seized yet again
Knowing I wanted success, happiness, purpose was enough
The mindset was there but circumstances were rough
I woke up every day and the words I’d see
Were “In the world, be the change you want to see”
I made it my motivation to fight
I woke up and cried at my failure to be successful, purposeful, happy
But there was one small thing that I couldn’t see
It was the small steps--the mindset, that counted
They were tracks of progress that I left unaccounted
My eventual ability to get out of bed was enough to merit
It felt like rock-bottom, so I made it my excuse to take chances
I ran for officer, played sports, and went to dances
I tried to discover the more to life
I was exhausted of existing filled with strife
I laughed at everything and anything, grasping for belonging
Today, I woke up and snoozed my alarm again
But without fear, I emerged from my den
I stayed up last night finishing my homework
I don’t regret it, it didn’t go without a perk
I finally enjoy my life, friends, community
I am still exhausted, but aren’t we all?
The only way to rise is first to fall
I’m growing and learning and progressing
I finally have the courage to be here now, confessing
I am still exhausted, but I feel more alive and free