Alive and Free

Location

68505
United States
40° 49' 29.0352" N, 96° 36' 56.5884" W

I threw my blanket over my head

And snoozed the alarm above my bed

My mind on school and education

My body heavy with abnegation

I was wrapped in a deep, dark sleep

 

It hushed me peacefully back into a lullaby

It wiped my tears, “Don’t you cry!”

I doubted my capabilities and fears

So I stayed in bed to hide from my peers

I knew they wouldn’t understand

 

It sounds hysterical to explain

I don’t want to be one to complain

First, pain. Self-doubt. Lust.

How do I explain that I don’t know who to trust?

Daddy-issues. Attention seeking. Complainer. Weak.

 

What made me better than what they called me?

Maybe I was what I couldn’t see

Maybe I shouldn’t have been affected by something so minuscule

God, I felt like a fucking fool

I told myself to stop crying

 

“No one cares about you, you’re just an obligation.

A burden” - I believed I was a waste of a creation

I didn’t need your pity, stare, or apology

There was no use -- sitting here learning physiology

I thought if I asked questions, I’d learn how to fix it all

 

The pain in my heart, my elbows, my knees

Tendinitis -- I was now mentally and physically infested, contaminated, seized.

I wish my teachers could tell me how to make it stop

It infested those around me, soon I was waiting for his “pre-op”

“He has acute leukemia”

 

There was no ending. But I didn’t want to complain

I’m not weak, I won’t cry and let something small cause me pain

I, the mighty and strong who did not fuss,

Aren’t you proud of me? You must

I broke myself down, normalized pain and loneliness for you

 

I felt alive, but not living, just existing

I breathed and ate, and felt shame in even that, unresisting

To the world, no longer fighting for my right to be alive

I had no right, a burden like me, to thrive

So I snoozed my alarm, and surrendered, preparing to be seized yet again

 

Knowing I wanted success, happiness, purpose was enough

The mindset was there but circumstances were rough

I woke up every day and the words I’d see

Were “In the world, be the change you want to see”

I made it my motivation to fight

 

I woke up and cried at my failure to be successful, purposeful, happy

But there was one small thing that I couldn’t see

It was the small steps--the mindset, that counted

They were tracks of progress that I left unaccounted

My eventual ability to get out of bed was enough to merit

 

It felt like rock-bottom, so I made it my excuse to take chances

I ran for officer, played sports, and went to dances

I tried to discover the more to life

I was exhausted of existing filled with strife

I laughed at everything and anything, grasping for belonging

 

Today, I woke up and snoozed my alarm again

But without fear, I emerged from my den

I stayed up last night finishing my homework

I don’t regret it, it didn’t go without a perk

I finally enjoy my life, friends, community

 

I am still exhausted, but aren’t we all?

The only way to rise is first to fall

I’m growing and learning and progressing

I finally have the courage to be here now, confessing

I am still exhausted, but I feel more alive and free

This poem is about: 
Me

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