On being Black and Human at the same damn time

A scientific study

 

Abstract:

Your Blackness and your human self are like oil and water

you will forever be a body of separation

even if you are shaken up it seems like your blackness will always surface before anything

you must prove that you matter here cuz your blackness makes any humanness a hollow claim.

 

its science!

 

This study will focus on black people and mental illness

 

Thesis: Black people dont have mental illnesses

 

Explanation:

 

When you a strong black woman who dont neeeeed no man. What is mental illness?

 

because nobody hears the woman that comes after the black. nobody hears the human in your voice. black becomes the adjective that swallows up your mass. it infects your matter. Because all of us must be John Henry.

Strong until we implode.

We must pull ourselves up by our raggedy bootstraps

and take everything in stride

until your stride becomes a limp

and your gait is unhappy

but you must not show feeling

you are still strong as an ox or a horse

because others will only let you be a beast of burden

and it is said that you were born this way

and because of the code. you must never let a drop of sweat show you are tired

and they admire your pride

carrying and concealing the heart just to prove that you are higher up.

a prized possession living up to expectations

never a donkey.

still might be an ass

 

If they steal your music. Get over it

If they appropriate your culture. Get over it

If they bully you in school. Get over it.

If you want to die. Get over it

If you are in pain. Get over it

Your opinion is just angry babble

Your own feelings dont matter

so if you say you have a mental illness you incite laughter.

 

Depression doesnt exist in the house that Black built

 

I have swallowed the Get Over It pill so many times that I wear comatose like its my sunday best

and outfit that hides a bleeding and crumbling castle of a woman.

and everytime someone said “hey how are you” I wanted to reply with Im suffering. Im dying. my light is dim.

but because of the code I must reply with “gurl Im good how are you”

And if I tried to text someone

I was in fear of “you’re overreacting” and “you’ll be fine”

and if I tried to text someone black and conscious

I was in fear of hearing “we got other things to worry about”

and in the back of my head

I can hear my self say

WHO IS WE

you have lost all your empathy for me

in quest for black solidarity

and your consciousness has turned me into 1st. black and 2nd. person with zero possibility for anything to be wrong

because Im supposed to be too strong

but your solidarity aint shit without my individuality and my own entity being and existing as one

and you will say you are training me because THEY will always see my race and never see the woman

I gotta shape up if We are going to be better

but you are no better and you are not my brother

because you are trying to erase my own mental dealings and thats like trying to erase Africa from my bones

but as I recall both have been apart of my life since birth

Brother tell me this:

If the house of my head is not in order

if you do not attempt to understand my chaos

how can I be revolutionary

how can I be united to you

 

Its science

-Black people must always be in consensus with one another

-and the consensus is.. Black people dont get mental illness

 

because by scientific law the burdens on our backs have us too worried about the depression or bipolar disorder or ADHD we might have

if you are depressed. go to the club. depression erased

bipolar? switch it off. it doesnt exist anymore

ADHD. sit yo ass down.

 

And this no attempt to advocate for man made medicine

simply to get your acknowledgement

your soul cant heal unless you acknowledge the cracks that are destroying it

 

this is for all the people that were told if you have suicidal ideation you a punk ass bitch

if you cant smile anymore simply force it

you are perfectly fine

stop making a big deal

this will all blow over tomorrow

and put the gun down

and you aint gonna jump

and there aint nothing wrong with you

and stop being so selfish

the reason why you are failing is cuz you aint trying hard enough

and if you have anxiety just get up and do it because it will go away

and therapy wont work so dont try

and you Black only White people get those types of things

 

and no one cares and pshhh shut up and

SHUT UPPPPP

 

Conclusion

 

I deserve to be heard over my kinky hair, my black features.

I deserve to acknowledge I am depressed

I deserve to break down

I deserve to cry

I deserve help

I deserve support.

 

because I am black AND human...at the same damn time.