I should not be bitter

I should not be green

I do not even know my fate 

But I see you around the globe

I see you.

I see your charmed life

I see your opportunities

I see

But you do not see

You do not see me

I am below ordinary

I am below average

I did not have what you do

They say it is fair

But it is not

Because I know.

I had no means to establish myself

Yet you were established before birth

At 18 I still do not know myself

But I know.

I know you will be forever ahead.

My story does not match your wealth

I have to work hard

And I am not saying you do not

I am saying it has been easier for you to work hard

You indulge

I kept away

I kept away to protect my future

But you bought your indulgence and your future.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth going to a place that cherishes well-to-do's 

instead of going-to-do's?

Surely I have more passion?

Surely I have more drive?

Or am I predicted to implode due to overworking?

Maybe they want you to have that cushion, that escape.

The bail to pay for your mistakes 

perhaps they earn more from it

My mistakes are purely a waste of aid

While my mistakes are losses,

yours are profits.

Perhaps this is my fault

Perhaps because I could not be aware of the ins and outs 

and I could not pay someone to light the way.

Perhaps I am less deserving.

Maybe the previous thought of this life 

and its potential non-existence drove me not to think

 not to find out

and not to know.

I could not become accustomed in the certain case 

it would not be true

But it was

And now how am I supposed to a lifelong,

without a doubt,

dedicated in less than a year, 

when this was not even supposed to be a possibility?

I am supposed to have accolades,

but for 17 years those accolades were not available

In one year they are

How am I supposed to make up for a lifetime in one year?

I did the best I could for an unstable year.

Will it be good enough?

Probably not

But there is always a chance

And that chance is driving me insane.