Communication
Dear Father of mine,
Years have passed and I'm an adult now.
Again, years have passed and I wonder how
I could go through my adolescence occasionally thinking
of the one person who had been permanently missing
the adventurous parts of my teenage years,
my laughs, my hugs, my love and my tears.
That's crazy to think about if you really sit
and break it apart bit by bit,
that your life was unwillingly taken
and you're now with God, Jesus, and I know not Satan.
Sorry, I don't mean to be cliche,
but it's hard for me to shake off my childish ways.
Of course, you only knew me as a child,
so I know to fret not as you'll read this awhile
and think "how has my little girl been?"
Don't worry Daddy I have yet to sin.
Religion, yes, that's what I'm reminded of when I think of you.
I guess in that perspective there's nothing anyone can do
to change the fact that I'm believing in the faith
that really all I ever need to do is pray.
Truly, when you left I was stuck with anxiety,
depression, abuse and hardly no concrete priority.
Oh but religion shall say that you didn't see it at all,
hopefully you didn't because you would've been appalled.
"Where did my strong little girl go?
Did the world ruin you already or were you lost from the get go?"
The smell of cigarettes and booze wasn't too appealing
since the stench rose your anger from the floor to the ceiling.
Calling my mother and your ex wife,
hoping for the ending of her own life
because of her lack of skills in parenting.
Imprinted in my mind, those words were menacing
especially coming from the man
who I thought had no capability of the words at hand.
Little girls are raised to be brilliant
yet the first thing I knew was to be resilient.
It wasn't the world that dragged me down,
it was the blood of the "innocent" that lay in my hometown.
Let me elaborate because I think I was unclear,
my hometown was simply my house in invisible prison gear.
I didn't relate to the stories
of children and parents with love on the TVs'.
You were away and I saw you briefly
when you were okay and I was basically a baby.
I'm letting your spirit ask me all the questions
so now it's my turn I make a too - late suggestion:
you shouldn't have left me.
I don't mean when you had died
I mean when you were fine and lied.
You could have saved me.
I could've been the girl that didn't understand suicide
yet you let me have the experiences to which I relied
on the past and the present but never the future.
My life was a mess and I was a loser,
what more did I need since I was filled with hatred,
sadness, confusion and easily baited
into believing that there was nothing waiting.
So why was I still living?
The tightness around my neck gripped until I cried
and understood the laws of life to which I was forced to abide.
But then it was you.
You didn't get a choice and I realized
early enough that I am alive.
For what? To grieve from you? Move on? Accept?
I was genuine and didn't understand the concept
when I screamed your name in agony
after being cursed out and hurt physically and emotionally
by the rest of what I called my family.
Excuse the tears on this letter
but I know I could be better.
The death of you brought upon the misconception
that there might not be a hell or even a heaven
because of the one thing that I was dependent
on bringing me closer to happiness and the mere idea of being ascendant.
Yet, I'm glad and I thank you Daddy.
I am an adult now and I am happy.
Regardless of what my religion describes
I hope that you're proud of my decisions and vibes
I'm giving off now that I'm successful.
Without our story, my situation would be stressful.
Surprising? A life through hell and tragedies
and I'm already disregarding my calamities.
That's because you taught me to make symphonies
with any talent you were determined I had.
In the end, I wouldn't wish for any other dad.
Thank you.
With love,
Cynthia S. Hernandez