Dear First Lover,

 

It has been over a year since I was yours. Yours to claim and to hold.

Yours to kiss and to hug. Yours to compliment and smile that crooked brace face

smile. Yours and only yours.

 

Now... I'm someone elses. I am theirs. Theirs to claim to to hold. Theirs to kiss and

to hug. Theirs to compliment and smile nothing like that smile I recieved from you.

 

I hate myself for still thinking of you, but you have engraved your brutal love into

my tender heart. I lay awake some nights, staring into the empty darkness, and

think of you.

 

I apologize to the man I am supposed to love because he treats me better than you

ever did. He loves me more because he wouldn't dare to hurt me like you did. I

should love him because my parents adore him. And I do too. He is amazing and

splendid. But he is not you.

 

I cannot argue with him for an entire day and love him more the next.

I cannot hold his head in my arms and feel the the warmth of a grizzly bear.

I cannot ever forgive him if he ever did me wrong like the million times I did for you.

I cannot sing to him the songs I sang for you because those belong to only you.

I cannot cry for hours in his arms because he is never here.

I cannot express my emotions through words to him, but you already knew this because you know me so well.

I cannot use formal diction through text because that's something only us nerds do.

I cannot get annoyed when he proves me wrong because it's more annoying when you do it.

I cannot love him because I'm still in love with you.

 

Damn it you. Why have you cursed me? I see your name carved in my lens. I

hear your voice when everyone is talking. I crave your touch because I've never

felt one so gentle. I miss your taste even though I can't remember our last kiss.

 

These thoughts have overpowered me and I finally succumb to the truth. I will never

love a man as much as I have loved you. You were my first lover.

 

 

February 11, 2016