dear depression,

you have never been just sadness

it could never be that simple

you are an entire ocean of complexity

too much for myself to swim through

you are broken promises and restless nights

disapointment and vacanct expressions

you are awkward silences

when i can't explain why i'm crying

out of the fear of judgement

rejection

or abandonment

 

you are stigma

negative connotations

you are everytime i heard someone tell me 

"depression isn't real"

you are guilt

for never being able to open up fully

the guilt 

of not being enough for my parents

you are shame

as i watch my mother cry 

because now she knows who i am

 

you are fury 

angry at myself for pushing him out again

when all he ever wanted to do was help

frustration for not letting people help me

why won't i let people help me?

anger at my own genetic code

angry at my body for making me feel this way

wondering what I ever did to deserve this

wondering if theres something wrong with me

wondering if maybe i'm broken

 

maybe i'm broken.

 

you are the feeling of weakness

as i sob on the phone

to the one i love most

as i admit that i fear i don't deserve happiness or love

you are the fear that i will never be happy

that happiness was never meant for someone like me

 

you are an unwelcome guest

that refuses to leave this body i call my home

but i've put an eviction notice at your residence

and soon enough

your presence will be nonexistent within me