I am Lost, but don't Underestimate my Abilities with Maps

There are moments when I am so in love with life,

When I'm so in love with the person I am becoming.

When I'm so in love with everything that's happened to me:

The immense happiness and seemingly, physically painful lows,

because I've realized that this moment, right now, is exactly where I'm meant to be.

 

But then,

there are nights when I cry

and not cry where there's tears here and there and my face turns blue--

I'm talking collapsing and shaking as I scream at the universe yet lay in complete silence because nothing I do can expel my thoughts from existence.

 

Nights where I can't stop hearing their voices in my head repeat those painful utters I wouldn't dare to recite out loud.

Nights when i am too afraid to close my eyes because the flashbacks are too vivd at that moment.

Nights where i write and write, hoping to calm these thoughts that have plagued me since the incident.

 

But that's where this infinite cycle begins.

That's where I am enlightened all over again.

 

My mind comes and cradles my soul telling it stories of

how I've changed and how far i've come.

 

I wasn't even aware of this breathtaking change as it was happening.

and I say breathtaking because this change marked the moment where I fell in love.

I fell in love with myself, not in an egoistical manner, but rather a love that filled the gaping hole in my chest with the optimism and innocence that was stolen from me.

A love that would be able to keep me whole as I moved on from the past and through life.

 

This love is what makes me eager.

It's what is making me want to live, which at a time, seemed like a punishment.

This love is what makes me hopeful and excited and confident about the future.

This love is what makes me fearless of mistakes and failures,

because this love is what showed me how bumps in the road are changing me for the better.

That these bumps are creating the person that i meant to be content with and love.

 

And these thoughts cluster in my head.

I try to navigate my way through to better understand,

yet once I figure out the way to one understanding, I encounter millions of new roads from that point and I am lost and may accidentally take a route that prefers to see the waterworks.

 

I don't know how long any of the roads and moments of enlightenment or despair are in my mind,

but I know that they are a weave: 

woven, intertwined instances and are unable to create my being without the other.

I don't know how to maneuver my way through these weaves, and

I don't know exactly how long the stays at these different recollections will last.

But lettme tell you,

when my soul takes a unknown turn,

don't you dare underestimate my ability to guide my soul back to its mind.

 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
Guide that inspired this poem: 

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