I am just taking up space wherever I go, that space could be used by something that wants to be here breathing air, living life, walking, talking, laughing. You see I laugh when expected to so people will think I'm enjoying the spaces I'm taking up but my laughs now sounds like screams to me. Everyone hears it but thinks nothing of it. They see a smile on my face so they don't bother to ask if I'm okay or not. Even if I lied (like  usual) when asked that question at least I could think of something that is truly wrong with me. But I just smile and say "I'm alright, are you okay?" I ask that question often to avoid the topic of me, I don't like me. I like listening to the sad songs that remind me of me because it's so much easier to say "Hey!  listen to this sad song...it like my actual life" rather than saying  "listen to me to talk about how my feelings are invisible along with my thoughts but somehow I'm not" 

I don't want attention on me, I want attention on things that people feel. I have always tried to be mindful of people's feelings but not my own. While people were selfish they didn’t know that they made me feel like I was just nothing taking up their air, their space, and their time. Too this day I feel the same way. That's why I'm obsessed with stars and galaxies. I could float up there with the rest of nothingness. I could be that star that every kid like me looked up at and wished for just. one. good. day. 

There is nothing that I'd want more than to be a star: granting wishes, saving lives, giving someone that good day I never got. When I'm that big star They will see me everywhere And my crowd will outweigh theirs, they will be screaming my name, or in my case laughing. Rather laughing at everyone who ever doubted me. They will be louder than you imagine. Even though loud things cause me to flinch I can't even do the dishes without the sounds of them clanging together like an annoying grandfather clock at midnight except for I can still hear them when its 12:01. The sound of dishes remind me of my childhood not me as a baby smashing pots and pans together but of the times I heard them crashing on the floor. Ever time I walked in the kitchen I was scared to step on glass so I always walked on egg shells. They are always breaking under my feet but I speak softly now. As I've grown I've seen how words can hurt, all the way to the bottoms of your feet. The eggshells might as well have been the shattered pieces of my fragile glass heart. As the pieces fall out of my chest, cutting my paper skin. my head was filled with my problems and emotions that created steel shackles that people always tried to play tug of war with. I was constantly back and forth, moving left or right but never forward or backward. It got to the point where I was staying in one place. I didn't want to leave my spot that I called loneliness. I was dragged from that hell to a new place...someone finally won the war now I'm stuck here. Still not wanting to move but at least this hell is one I created and not one that people made for me. 

I wonder if space is heaven, or maybe it's just mine. 

As A kid I always thought aliens would take me away from this planet, galaxies away. where I would be with people who are like me. When I first thought about it I was scared, what could you expect from a 10 year old? The older I got was the lonelier I got. And aliens seemed like my only way back to a place where Id feel comfortable, where I'd feel at home, where I could be free. I don't know where this place is but I know that it's meant for me. I know that I belong there. There and only there will my shackles slide off like people's words off their own tongue. 

Words hurt me way more than sticks ever did. People tell me  I have no reason to be insecure. That I'm pretty, and smart, and special. But just because I am see as those things doesn't mean people made me feel like I am. So in my opinion i am just here to help fill a room but still feel like I'm siting in an empty sit. I still feel like people are looking right though me and seeing every last thing that I don't want them to see but that's all of me. 

When they finally see me as what I want them to, I will already be dead. But my light will shine from light years away 

So kid don't depend on a star for your wishes to come true. It will get you no where. I'm doing what I've always wished for and that's because I had to start moving forward with the weighted shackles. I had to stop take breaks but it never felt like a got one. When I started moving I still felt like I was in the same place. I'm walking a swerving road and people are flying past me. Not ever stopping to help. So tell me, have you ever seen someone dragging there feet, walking slow, staring at the ground cause they don't want to be seen? No you haven't, how could you see something's that not there? Rather how can you see someone who is not here. You don't. I am not here. I am not there. You wanna see me. Look up, and know that all of me is dead but all you can see is my light.