I Love You

I LOVE YOU

I remember the first time

I ever said those words

I was four years old

Talking to my mother

I later said it to my father

Back then, those words

Meant something so different

To me than they do now

I LOVE YOU

I remember the first time

I ever said those words to her

I was six, she had just been born

She was my niece

She was angel to me

I knew I would do anything for her

And I’ve said those words

To each and every niece and nephew

That’s come since

I LOVE YOU

I remember the first time

I said those words to him

I was seven years old

He was my little brother

If only I knew

How much those words

Would come to haunt me

It was unhealthy from the beginning

The yelling, the fighting, the physicality

And he would say to me

“Where is your love now?”

I LOVE YOU

I still would say those words

After every insult

Every hit, every kick, every pull of my hair

Every time he degraded me

I still found those words coming from my mouth

“Well, I don’t love you.”

Those were the words coming from his mouth

My vision of love began to change

I LOVE YOU

I remember the first time

I said those words to him

I was sixteen, he was, too

We had been dating

For only a few weeks

When he said it to me

I didn’t want to say anything

Because I didn’t feel that way yet

He knew I didn’t like eye contact

He still made me look him in the eye

“Aren’t you going to say anything back?”

I didn’t like that tone of voice

So I said it, too

I LOVE YOU

I said it

But I didn’t mean it

I didn’t know what it was

To feel love

I had hoped he would change that

But he didn’t

He made me say it

I don’t know if he believed me or not

He wanted to kiss me

Soon after that

I wasn’t ready to be kissed yet

I said no

He asked why not

I said because I wasn’t ready

“But I love you. Don’t you feel the same?”

I said of course I did

But I didn’t really mean it

He never got that kiss

Though he really tried

I later tried to break up with him

Because I wasn’t happy

“But I love you so much.”

So?

“I can’t live without you.”

Then you would wait

You would know I’m not happy

It took so much longer

To break up with him

Than it should have

I LOVE YOU

I never say these words

With actual meaning behind them

Because to me

Love is just a four letter word

It means nothing to me

Because I haven’t been given

Real love in return

Then one day, I was asked

“What is a healthy relationship to you?”

And I have to be really honest

I have no clue

I don’t know what

A healthy relationship means to me

Because I’ve never really had one

So how am I

Supposed to respond to

A question that I don’t understand?

A question I have no answer to?

I LOVE YOU

Maybe instead of what it means to me

I should answer what I assume

One would be like

So what do I assume a healthy relationship

Would be like?

I assume that instead of

“I’m going to kiss you

Even though you aren’t ready

Because I love you”

And

“We can’t break up

Because I love you

Way too much to let you

Be free, be happy”

It would be more like

“Because I love you

I will wait forever

For you to be ready”

Or maybe

“Because I love you

I will do anything

To make sure you are happy

Including setting you free”

To me, a true love

Wouldn’t be all that gushy stuff

They show on TV

No, that isn’t for me

For me, a true love

Is just sitting around on the couch

Watching movies and eating popcorn

Talking about our favorite books

Letting him stroke my hair

Because I actually feel comfortable

Enough around him

To let him do that

To me, a true love

Is cooking together

And laughing when the kitchen

Becomes a mess and having fun

Cleaning together afterwards

I don’t want a guy

That will buy me flowers

I want a guy

That will send me a YouTube link

“I think you would like this song”

Or possibly

“This is my favorite song

I think you should listen to it

And tell me what you think”

Or maybe even

“I know you’ve had a bad day

And music it makes it better

So this is the song I listen to

When my day is going bad”

To me, a true love

Is being able to just lounge around

Listening to the same music

And telling stories

About what the songs mean

To us so we can understand each other

Better in a way that we both know

I LOVE YOU

I assume a healthy relationship

Is being able to say those words

And actually mean them

And being able to say those words

Without fear of them being thrown back

Right in your face without a second thought

I assume a healthy relationship

Is wanting to make the other happy

Even if it means hurting yourself

Do I actually know what a healthy relationship is?

No, I don’t

Because I’ve never really had one

But I cling onto the hope

That there actually is someone out there

That can teach me what it is

And that there is someone for me

Someone that can show me

Just what real love is

Someone that, one day, will fill

My heart, soul, and mind

With so much emotion

That the only words

I’ll possibly be able to say are

I LOVE YOU.

 

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