I Love You
I LOVE YOU
I remember the first time
I ever said those words
I was four years old
Talking to my mother
I later said it to my father
Back then, those words
Meant something so different
To me than they do now
I LOVE YOU
I remember the first time
I ever said those words to her
I was six, she had just been born
She was my niece
She was angel to me
I knew I would do anything for her
And I’ve said those words
To each and every niece and nephew
That’s come since
I LOVE YOU
I remember the first time
I said those words to him
I was seven years old
He was my little brother
If only I knew
How much those words
Would come to haunt me
It was unhealthy from the beginning
The yelling, the fighting, the physicality
And he would say to me
“Where is your love now?”
I LOVE YOU
I still would say those words
After every insult
Every hit, every kick, every pull of my hair
Every time he degraded me
I still found those words coming from my mouth
“Well, I don’t love you.”
Those were the words coming from his mouth
My vision of love began to change
I LOVE YOU
I remember the first time
I said those words to him
I was sixteen, he was, too
We had been dating
For only a few weeks
When he said it to me
I didn’t want to say anything
Because I didn’t feel that way yet
He knew I didn’t like eye contact
He still made me look him in the eye
“Aren’t you going to say anything back?”
I didn’t like that tone of voice
So I said it, too
I LOVE YOU
I said it
But I didn’t mean it
I didn’t know what it was
To feel love
I had hoped he would change that
But he didn’t
He made me say it
I don’t know if he believed me or not
He wanted to kiss me
Soon after that
I wasn’t ready to be kissed yet
I said no
He asked why not
I said because I wasn’t ready
“But I love you. Don’t you feel the same?”
I said of course I did
But I didn’t really mean it
He never got that kiss
Though he really tried
I later tried to break up with him
Because I wasn’t happy
“But I love you so much.”
So?
“I can’t live without you.”
Then you would wait
You would know I’m not happy
It took so much longer
To break up with him
Than it should have
I LOVE YOU
I never say these words
With actual meaning behind them
Because to me
Love is just a four letter word
It means nothing to me
Because I haven’t been given
Real love in return
Then one day, I was asked
“What is a healthy relationship to you?”
And I have to be really honest
I have no clue
I don’t know what
A healthy relationship means to me
Because I’ve never really had one
So how am I
Supposed to respond to
A question that I don’t understand?
A question I have no answer to?
I LOVE YOU
Maybe instead of what it means to me
I should answer what I assume
One would be like
So what do I assume a healthy relationship
Would be like?
I assume that instead of
“I’m going to kiss you
Even though you aren’t ready
Because I love you”
And
“We can’t break up
Because I love you
Way too much to let you
Be free, be happy”
It would be more like
“Because I love you
I will wait forever
For you to be ready”
Or maybe
“Because I love you
I will do anything
To make sure you are happy
Including setting you free”
To me, a true love
Wouldn’t be all that gushy stuff
They show on TV
No, that isn’t for me
For me, a true love
Is just sitting around on the couch
Watching movies and eating popcorn
Talking about our favorite books
Letting him stroke my hair
Because I actually feel comfortable
Enough around him
To let him do that
To me, a true love
Is cooking together
And laughing when the kitchen
Becomes a mess and having fun
Cleaning together afterwards
I don’t want a guy
That will buy me flowers
I want a guy
That will send me a YouTube link
“I think you would like this song”
Or possibly
“This is my favorite song
I think you should listen to it
And tell me what you think”
Or maybe even
“I know you’ve had a bad day
And music it makes it better
So this is the song I listen to
When my day is going bad”
To me, a true love
Is being able to just lounge around
Listening to the same music
And telling stories
About what the songs mean
To us so we can understand each other
Better in a way that we both know
I LOVE YOU
I assume a healthy relationship
Is being able to say those words
And actually mean them
And being able to say those words
Without fear of them being thrown back
Right in your face without a second thought
I assume a healthy relationship
Is wanting to make the other happy
Even if it means hurting yourself
Do I actually know what a healthy relationship is?
No, I don’t
Because I’ve never really had one
But I cling onto the hope
That there actually is someone out there
That can teach me what it is
And that there is someone for me
Someone that can show me
Just what real love is
Someone that, one day, will fill
My heart, soul, and mind
With so much emotion
That the only words
I’ll possibly be able to say are
I LOVE YOU.