This Time Last Year

Sun, 05/21/2017 - 18:21 -- carlaz

May twenty first, two thousand and sixteen. This time last year, all i remember are the blurred prescription notes and the constant anxiety doctor offices always gave me. “Major depression and anxiety” she said. I had to repeat it slowly over and over again till the words that left my mouth had no meaning left. This was the year I was diagnosed. After dealing with two close people in my life leaving without saying one last goodbye, I grew sad. Although, I didn’t know it was sad enough to be diagnosed. Luckily, my support system from my closest friends was so great, I didn’t have to be hospitalized like in movies. This time last year, I was dealing with the people who considered my “not so blood related” family fall like the leaves on a tall Oak tree in my backyard. It hurt. Because i’ve always been the person to give my all, even when the little voice is screaming how that person will never be able to give me their all back. It’s okay. Maybe it’s not. I have no idea anymore. I’m at a constant struggle between drowning in the amount of love I have for everyone else and the amount of love I know I should be giving myself instead. Even though I know deep down that loving myself would be putting it to good use, it’s hard. Being headstrong like my dad, and having a strong witt like my mom. But while completing this year with it’s many struggles and people it decided to grab hold of and sweep them under death’s rug, I have come to a conclusion. One that’s actually healthy for everyone instead of just benefitting other people. This year will become the year I love myself. I will love myself the way parents love their newborn child. This will be the becoming of my new person that’s so in love with themselves that they’re not bothered by the typical high-school drama. I have gotten rid of the dietary formulas and pills and constant calculator in my head screaming the amount of calories in an apple like the way an elementary student recites the alphabet. It’s time to become more accepting and loving and open minded while being as humble as possible. This year will be different.

This poem is about: 
Me

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