Eating Disorders
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I remember when I used to show you pictures of deprived girls,
With ribs that protruded like the fingers of a rake
And you’d give me this dumb look and say things like,
“That’s a little unrealistic, don’t you think?”
Anna
“You can’t have sex wearing a wig” she said
That line could’ve made me laugh
If she wasn’t clutching the sides of her head
Wondering what choice did she have.
The stars have alignedGot you on my mindMy heart's cold and oh so lonelySo I swallow some sinFor the pain that I'm inA cigarette, a blade, a dietWhen we promised we'd stop
Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Who’s the fattest of them all?
I’ll tell you who it’s the girl
Staring back at me
Covered in scars
With no gap in sight to see.
Hunger yawns in me
Like some waking creature
It grows, reaching angrily
Searching, scratching, howling,
For something to consume
I give it nothing
So the hunger sits, smoldering
There are demons pressing in on me.
There are demons pressing out on me.
It's as if when my eyes hit the mirror
they hit the bullseye for my body to grow.
the bullseye is really a trigger.
Not now, love. It'll be ok
Ok
Ok
Everyone left you, love, for the police blue and blood red
and I know, love, that i'm the only one you have
and I know, love, that you're slowly going mad
Let me live in your bed,naked as a fishribs emerging day by day like gills as you steal my breath.Moss will creep over my ankles -oh, keep us from the harsh heavy air,swim languidly through the sheets
When I was a 14
I went on a school trip
We ate dinner at a
Buffett, when I
Feeling full still
Walked up with my
Friend who didn’t want
dear past me,
it's been tough
you've endured so much pain
for one so young
it sounds cliche
but you and i both know that it's true
you've dealt with a lot
If a girl hits the floor because she hasn't eaten in three days
But she's still fat
Does she even make a sound?
We see eating disorders and depression and anxiety
Through the fucked up lense of television
You came to settle in my brain
which feels like so long ago.
You were quick to cause confusion and pain
and suddenly became the foe.
Every morning I'd wake up
with my self esteem in the gutter.
In the beginning, there was nothing.
There were only dreams.
The first day, God made darkness.
It likes to fill your thoughts
I am tired of walking outside,
surrounded by a group of friends
or a group of strangers alike,
erasing my focus from the joy of the moment,
but instead honing in on how
my thighs compare
"Treat me like glass, tear me to shreds like I'm paper." She had said.
She spoke harsh words, but she whispered them like sweet nothings.
The monster in my head.
Inhale, exhale.
No one realizes how much self hate it takes to make yourself starve, get sick, or do things to your body, unless you have experienced it.
Everflowing, gentle, soft,The black thread dangles.Once a contributor to the strength of a whole,The unity stood uncorrupted, pure.
Look at me
What do you see?
My body is hollow
I want to be free
Free from this curse
That keeps getting worse
When I look in the mirror
It won't be reversed
The sound of her voice was something no one has ever heard before, it was as if the heavens above had created a melody that would instantly cause peace and security in every soul that spoke to this wonderful presence.
my lemon steady collecting weighing down creating pressure. The more lemons the more pressure.. the more weight to create juice..
now lets make lemonade...
Plaster walls,full of cracksbreaking in.Press my backagainst the door…Falling through the floor.Mirror, mirror that I see,Mirror, dear, do you love me?Hunger bites,claws my skin.
Golden like a retriever he use to be an old yeller
until the eighth of September when they had to put the kid
It's strange how time passes. Snapshots of teachers and now-empty classes. Echoes of my past in gray and white, now like doves take flight. The halls of schools and hollow sounds, now within each memory abound.
Your eyes meetThe hollowed gaze of your reflectionSunk in cheeks andBony hands
When everyone told youYou were beautifulYou claimed their words wereUnbelievable
Ask the girl in the glass how she survives on just air.
Ask her, how does she last when she devours nothing but despair?
And remorse coats her every attempt to ignore what she sees,
Friends and I moving on.Two are going into the militaryOne isn't good with structure.One structures everything.
In the mirror is not your reflection,
But instead the trader within.
She looks at you in disgust,
Knowing that she’ll win.
Poking at your curves,
Pinching at your skin.
I'm not afraid to admit
I know nothing at all
Even though these memories
Just left broken scars
I gave you a second chance
And you just through it away
I gave you everything you wanted
The first time it happens, I'm nine years old, and my mother says we need to go on a diet.She says we, but she means you, and I know, I know, I know --
Skinny is a six letter word that haunts me at night.
Skinny is perfection, at least that's what I've learned.
It's skin and bones; no skin to pinch.
Fat is a three letter word that I see in the mirror.
5'3 and 140 pounds.
Doctor says there's risk,
could become overweight.
Better work out soon, tisk tisk.
5'3 and 130 pounds.
Parents praise showers her,
With inspired faces and dedication
You took from me my smile and pride
my happiness and freedom had no room inside.
Restriction or addiction, I ran the thin line
unable to eat, unable to beat,
the little voice willing me not to eat.
Annie is a good girl
A real gem among us rocks
Practically a pearl
Aged with all the grace in the world
Every piece of hair a perfect curl
She's a genuine among us fakes
I fist fought a girl named Ana,A battle to the death-And when she pushed me to the groundShe knocked me out of breath.She pulled out my hair in pieces,She bruised my fragile bones,
Choking,
burning,
body retching,
stomach rejecting,
tears streaming,
thinking of what's been eaten.
Shivering,
shaking,
body quaking,
knees are aching,
You can't tell your teachers that the reason you didn't write your essay,
is because your hands were clutched around that cold porcelain bowl-
throat filled with acid,
your fingers shaking and white,
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
I love being able to tell myself it'll be okay
Even though last night was nothing but a mess
I was able to wake up this morning with no stress
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
Forever engaged to silence
getting through day by day
smiling and laughing
pretending your okay
"Im fine" or my favorite "I already ate"
she pretended to happy
but all that was fake
If you took a good, long, hard look at her stomach, what would you see? Don't look at the skin of her stomach which she mistakes for fat.
there is an epidemic of thought thata master's degreedefines how much youcare and what i amas a being
I step on the scale
Feel the glass beneath my feet
One hundred and ten pounds
That's still too much for me
I'm trying so hard to fight this
And the battle is not yet lost
shut them out, as I suffer to breathe
Where are the words?
Can we talk instead of scream?
My opinion remains unheard
The violent escapade
on the frigid ground, I laid
he charged at me,
We're so Starving.
Looking in the mirror, mistaking what we see for what we believe
Knowing the media makes billions of off billions of insecurities.
Humans on their knees, ashamed to feed
There is no cure, no acceptance, no understanding, and no answer. Textbooks can only tell you so much, and unless you have lived it, it is near impossible to judge from the outside.
No longer is there a selfOr even a persona you could call someone elseIf there was ever a true selfHe died long ago.So the masked figure you see before youBroadcasts lack of identityRefusing weakness,
A year of healing and of grace
Of reconstructing a new face
And seeing color after years
Of grey scale muted by my tears
The regression lies here
Over the black tile floor
The relapse lies here
Begging for more
Too late to go away
It is like having depression When nearly nothing makes you smile And you’ve lost all interest in everything It is like being bipolar One minute you’re happy The next minute you’re on the floor Staining the carpet with your tears It is like an eati
Salsa, jalapenos, and cheese dips
Are grossly consumed in large quantities
Many munching, crunching, snacking with smacking lips
One glare sent this way
To signal off bystanders a sign screaming be wary
All day at school
Feeling Alone
No one to talk to
Friend? I had not one
I was depressed
Cuts on my arm
I'm not good enough
These thoughts causing harm
I'm trying I'm trying
I swear that I am
But my life is in pieces
I don't give a damn
Yes I know it's unhealthy
Yes I know I could die
I'm told that I'm pretty
But that last one's a lie
The pictures of the Holocaust,
Ghastly and unyielding,
Show starving people in their camps,
Terrible and unfeeling.
So depressed they feel no emotion.
So hungry they cannot eat.
It is cold here,
but my throat burns with anguish and self-hatred.
My body failed more than it was appreciated.
A beautiful, red ribbon holds me to the ground.
Arch your back, suck in your stomach
Stick your neck out, widen your eyes
Pull your arms back, stagger your legs
Point your toes and stand on the tip.
Good, you’re beautiful just like that.
What am I really?
Flesh and Bones hinged together
Strips of tissue wrapped together; binging the pieces together to make the [w]hole.
Shell, support, foundation--and the messy in-between.
Little pangs of jealousy and you-can't-have-me balloons filled with blood
I'm sick of all the spinning, spinning my soul is doing and soon I'll fall and I didn't care to look for sharp stones or jagged rib cages before I began
What I wanted was a life normal to every other
I fell victim to the mirror, the rest just makes me shutter
I quit making friends, and made my body crumble
Every meal was a war, magazines made me stumble
In the mirror,
She can see,
A thousand flaws,
A million mistakes,
A few things right,
She seems so sweet,
Her heart is cold,
Her mind is weak,
She has a curse,
Behind her pastel skin,
Crawling out of her cracked shell of skin, she is
writhing against the body that gives her life.
Too tight! Too tight! she shrieks, suffocating
in her prison and dreaming of bursting free -
His hollow black eyes whisper lethal,
but he sure knows how to weave grace into a dull ribcage.
His secrets of elegance deter one from the uncertainties of existence.
Chuckles in a quiet room
Broke silence
And pushed her further down.
Harassment starts way too soon
From small lips
Of middle schoolers’ mouths.
All because the thickness of her hips
"My body is my temple"
If we're going to use that metaphor
It is a temple in ruins
A temple weathered by wind and rain
It is a temple with no soul
A temple with no hope
You hold my tired hand
Your bright eyes crinkle into that widespread smile
Your thumb traces the tired lines of my palm
I do not know what our future holds
After all, we're seventeen
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
She who's tall and she who's thin,
She who gets a workout in
She whose thighs are far apart,
She who has an ice cold heart.
I'm sitting here
On the bathroom floor
The water surrounds me in an ever changing pool of tears
I search the vastness of the floor
And find in my vision
The bottle of pills
Now empty but for a few
Recovery is a process and not an event
It's a struggle not to win but to find some common sense
We're stuck in a world where failure is wrong
Well, failure is a puzzle piece that completes our song
You know that thing?
The thing that nobody talks about?
Making yourself puke?
Yeah
I do that
It hurts
It burns
It destroys your teeth
But what they forget to tell you
In health class
One can never see what goes on behind closed doors.
All you have is the insight from a young, bright-eyed girl, who just wants a chance.
A typical suburban family is not all as it seems.
the whispers in my ears
are my deepest darkest fears
she yells but soothes
always with bad news
"you gained since yesterday"
every morning i hear her say
she forces me to stop
Embrace who you are,
and you'll go far,
don't live in fear,
for then you won't
see the world clear.
Who started this trickery?
This ever shrinking waist
There is no debate
That skin and bones is not why men fantasize
But you say and you starve
Perfection is what you are aiming for
Clothes in the front
From collar bones to skinny wrists
She tries to joke, impress with her wits
Thigh gaps, stomach flat
Through her eyes she see nothing but fat
It becomes a game, how far will she go?
