“Still” by, GiGi Spata Captured,

“Still” by, GiGi Spata

Captured, trapped, broken

A mangled mouse in a trap

Like a beautiful bird in a cage

A precious puppy in a pound

They see beauty, a second chance, even.

All I feel is fear.

 The same fear leaving me restless throughout the night.

The same fear which inhibits every square inch of my being.

 It’s exhausting.

Feeling like nobody is there.

Nobody feels my pain.

Nobody knows it.

 Motionless.

Like screaming and yelling with every ounce of passion and despair possible.

But I’m underwater.

Nobody hears a sound.

I feel powerless. Like demons are gnawing at me from the inside and no matter how hard I try, they never leave.

To try with every amount of strength that’s left to escape this agonizing and endless nightmare.

But I’m paralyzed by my thoughts.

I can’t move.

I can’t think.

I can’t breathe.

 As much as I try, and I try, and I TRY to get away from it...

It’s a boomerang.

It comes back to me with a vengeance.

It’s a nightmare.

An endless nightmare that leaves a desolate space in the stomach.

I wish someone could help me.

I hear my heart pounding and pulsing more than it should ever be allowed to do.

As it gets faster, my thoughts get louder.

But what can I do?

 It’s nobody's fault.

Nobody forced these thoughts into the forefront of my brain.

It’s nobody's fault.

Nobody told me to feel this way.

It’s nobody's fault.

Nobody told me to cry myself to sleep every night just so I can remind myself what it’s like to feel alive again.

It really is no one’s fault.

It’s me.

I am the answer

I have control

So I simply smile.

And laugh

They mask the pain

The pain I wish would just vanish.

Yet the pain never really disappears.

Just fades.

Fades like the crimson, radiant sun on a scorching summers day.

Fades like the whispers of the wind traveling from one ear to another

Fades like the love that was once so strong for that one special person

It fades, fades, and fades some more, but deep down its always prevalent. 

Everything will be okay.

Although trapped, captured, and frozen...

The caged bird still sings.

The puppy still plays.

 The mouse still moves...

And the body still breathes.

Still alive, still motionless

Just still.

 

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