19
When I was sixteen I was fearless, I was resolute, I was brave.
I’d always been that way.
And then I lost it all, I lost myself really.
I lost myself so much so that for most of my first year of college
I spent almost all my time with this boy
This boy who was manipulative.
This boy who maybe didn’t know better.
This boy who didn’t help me be me again,
But instead continued to make me feel lost
And then this boy left.
And as awful as it is, given who he is, I’m glad he did.
Cuz the pain in my chest decreased.
Cuz I could breathe
Cuz I wasn’t so passive anymore
I wasn’t as scared anymore.
And slowly I started going through
My own personal renaissance.
I found myself again.
I remembered what I had believed in
And I realized what I still believed in.
I stand on my own again.
I think for myself again.
I’m not so sad anymore.
I’m not so scared anymore.
I can jump again and not look down.
I’m more courageous now.
And now I have a wonderful boyfriend named James,
Who makes me happier than anyone has ever made me.
Who is kind, and understanding and funny, and intelligent.
Who would never try and manipulate me.
Who makes me feel loved, and safe and happy.
And now, instead of waiting for my freedom
I’ve decided to fight for it.
Because if no one will give it to me,
Then I will take it.
Because I refuse to live my life by anyone else’s wishes
But my own.
I refuse to wake up one day,
Forty years old,
With a job I hate,
Or a life I hate,
Unhappy.
Maybe what I choose will be a mistake, but
It will me mine to make, and mine to fix.
I refuse to be silent.
I refuse to be meek.
I wasn’t made to sit still.
Legs crossed at the ankles,
Hands folded in my lap,
Knew length skirt,
Quiet, demure, passive.
I was made to stand,
Run,
Climb,
Shout
I was made to fight,
Whether with words or fists
Whether by outsmarting, our running,
Being more clever, being more resourceful.
But I was made to fight.
I was made to shine,
On my own terms.
So this I will do, and I will take everything
As it comes and learn as I go along.
So I will live,
I will live my life.