2012 Memo

So tired of living like this.

Need to get away.

So tired.

Want to say so many things.

How can I say it shorter?

How can I even say it?

When?

When I am confronted?

Or do I confront?

God.

Something has to give.

I don’t need to be disciplined.

I need to get away.

How can I change?

How does anyone change?

Breathing only reminds me of my anger.

It is hard to stay calm in the midst of conflict because I fear for my own life.

Pathetic.

If that person dies and I am still angry, then will I know that I need more than to just get away….

Questions Questions Shut Up with the Questions.

I don’t want to think.

I just want to get away, even if it means my own demise.

No one will be there to stop me from destroying myself.

I don’t need obstacles.

I need peace and calm that cannot be garnered from death.

No, you will suffer.

And it will be the best revenge.

And I will not have to lift a finger.

You will be the source of your own deep depression and pathetic state.

Next time.

This time.

I will not be your fodder to make yourself feel better about yourself.

I was never a victim.

I prayed for you, but inevitably all I had to do was depart from your side.

God.

Help me to never return.

I fear I can no longer change.

But I will fake it until I make it.

I don’t need a sprightly outlook.

I need truth.

And all of this I will give instead of a fake facade.

I am done being nice and believe me, I was being nice.

Why can I not be genuine.

My feelings will be known.

I will no longer drown in yours.

God.

 

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