If today I were the first to die,

Would you send me away with wilted roses?

Be the first and last to say goodbye,

And send me down without a kiss?

 

If today I were the last to leave,

Would you spare an extra minute on me?

Remembering every curve of my face,

Memorizing silent tears fallen without a trace?

 

What if today were the last fight you’d have with me,

The last “I love you,” you never said?

The last time I walked out of your door,

The last goodbye we ever had?

 

In the end would you have any regrets,

Anything you wish you would have done?

Would  you have finally wiped away my tears,

When I asked again, would you come?

 

You owed it to me to be a decent person,

And to yourself to be an honest woman,

I’m working myself to the bone,

Still trying to give something for nothing.

 

But you only see my faults,

Aren’t I correct?

You never saw what I tried to do,

And never when I gave my best.

 

You always loved to see me fail,

Watch me crash and burn,

Well Mother you’ve kept me in your hell,

But now it is your turn.

 

Wither away endlessly,

You spared your love on me horrendously,

How is a child of five years,

To know you hold all of her fears?

 

In your heart I will no longer be confined.

I have to cut my way out of this mess,

This is my final goodbye mother,

It’s time to lay me to rest.

 

Time can be a healer,

It can be a killer,

Time slows and stops for you,

The time for me is through.

 

I watch now as your world falls apart,

When you realize all of my scars were your fault,

I’m smiling as I fall further down this black abyss.

My heart became a projector, my body its canvas.

 

The road I’m on is charred and scarred,

No life exists here,

I’m all alone with these horrid thoughts,

But it’s not as bad as I feared.

 

These people I meet,

There just like me,

We all struggled to cope,

We’re all desperate to find hope.

 

This place has become my safe haven,

And Mother, surely this will become your personal hell,

Welcome to the black abyss that is my heart,

You’ve taught me how to love you well.