Absence of Light

Location

11220
United States
40° 38' 18.6828" N, 74° 0' 55.1628" W

Hell is his empty syringe
And the searing pain of his emptiness.
Hell is the heat of the absence
That grows hotter in his presence.
Hell is the tears that evaporate
In the womb of my despair at some point between
Conception and birth.
Hell is when he didn’t kill me in the womb
Of my Schizophrenic mother at some point between
Conception and birth.
Hell is when he doesn’t give a damn if he’s damned
And when I hate him so damn much
That I don’t give a damn if he gives a damn.
Hell is when he fans the flame.

You fan the flame and it will never stop.
My hatred just keeps burning
and consuming,
and destroying,
Just like you let the heroine burn through your veins
And consume your brain
And destroy the very hope
That keeps me sane.

Hell is when the needle gets closer and closer
Until it’s pressed against your skin
And all you need to do is flinch
For needle to penetrate your flesh
And saturate you with emptiness

So you flinch.

Because hell is when you forget that you have 3 kids
And hell is when you remember
But you do it anyway
Because in that moment
I only exist in yesterday.
Do you hope that tomorrow will never come?
Don’t you know that you’re condemned to be immortal?
Don’t you know that hell is eternal?
Tomorrow is today.
Yesterday does not exist.

I do not exist.

Hell is my father.

Heaven is my Daddy.

Heaven is when I call him “Daddy” in my mind
But “Dad” out loud because I’m not a little girl anymore.
Heaven is when he still calls himself “Daddy” anyway
Because in his mind I’m still a little girl.
Heaven is not when he’s high
but when he’s down here with me
and I can feel him and hold his hand
And look into his eyes
Confident that the gaze he returns won’t be hollow.
Heaven is the night of my Sweet 16
When we danced together even though
Neither of us really knew how to.
It was awkward, but then he told me he loved me
And I believed him.

I believe you when you tell me
About the hours spent bowed down on your knees
Begging, pleading, “Father, forgive me!
Forgive me because that’s not who I am
This is not who I want to be
Remove this burden
Tear me apart and transform me!”
Heaven is when you have faith that He will.

Heaven is when the needle gets closer and closer
Until it’s pressed against your skin
And all you need to do is flinch
For the needle to penetrate your flesh
And saturate you with emptiness

But you stop.

Because heaven is when you remember that you have 3 kids
And heaven is when you forget
But you stop anyway
Because in that moment
You shed yesterday.
Do you wait eagerly for tomorrow to come?
Don’t you know that you’re blessed to be immortal?
Don’t you know that heaven is eternal?
Tomorrow is today.
Yesterday does not exist.

I exist.

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