To feel absolutely nothing.

That is her biggest fear

Because really she'd rather feel anything

But still would rather not fall than smile

Rather not leave but laugh

And then, to be able to do it again.

I look forward to doing it again.

It beats just sitting there; doing nothing, being nothing

I'll stand up and find it almost too easy to laugh

I'll let go, with no troubles, and no such thing as fear

I'll see them smiling and somehow, there'll be one planted on my face too; a small, subtle smile.

It used to be that I didn't care for those things, or more accurately, for anything.

But I've put that mindset in a box, sealed it up, pushed it far into a corner, never to be opened again.

Because, instead of looking away, I want to hold their gaze and smile

To smile because I feel something, not just nothing.

But because it's me, I know I will always have worries and a constant lingering fear

Sometimes so much that it keeps me from wanting to joke or to laugh.

Then I ask myself, "How can a life be lived without being able to love or laugh?"

When you're surrounded by people you're comfortable with it seems like you can laugh at just about anything

You almost forget the rational reasons that keep you holding onto such a silly fear

But you don't forget. Maybe because you're afraid to find yourself falling again.

I stop and reassure myself, "You're worrying about nothing,"

"Why can't you just relax, and smile?"

Yes, I can do that, I can smile.

And every once in a while I might willingly let out a laugh

In my mind I won't think of that nothing

I'll keep thinking of everything, something, or anything

The thing that will continue pulling one foot in front of the other over again

But... what if I told you I have another fear?

This time, I can tell you, it's a very reasonable fear

Because first, I want to see your lips form a smile

Comfortably showing it again and again

And escaping from your mouth I want to hear the sound of your laugh 

And maybe I can find the confidence to do anything

Maybe then I can find the courage to not be nothing.

So, can I count on you to help me bury this fear, to open up and laugh?

I'm sure with your help it'll be me with the smile, laughing at just about anything.

But most importantly, will you be there helping me do it again and again? Because then, and only then, can I be relieved of that feeling named "absolutely nothing."