To Alleviate Pain

Mon, 02/17/2014 - 21:01 -- TealsaB

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Shadows I see, self loathing, self harming, suicidal thoughts is all I'll ever be.

No one will ever want me, he was right

The monster that came into my room to get me every night

Arrested one day, when I'd finally had enough

But that wasn't the end, don't get me wrong, who would have thought after 16 years of abuse my life would be so tough?

Nightmares, flashbacks, anger issues too

Days at a time in bed, hating myself, hating life, wanting to die

No one knew what was going on inside my mind

I had become a monster myself, no better than him

Verbally hurting those who were just trying to get me to let them in

Admitted to treatment, for the fourth time in my seventeen years, but this time it was different

I wasn't going to stay there for just seven days and seven nights

I was there until further notice, no going home not even once a week, sharing a room with two other girls like me

Barely getting any sleep.   

 

But in this strange place away from my home, all I’ve ever known

I made the choice to get better

I had to work on Tealsa, just me, myself, and I

And sort my issues out before they permanently take over my life

Four months of putting the broken fragments of myself back together, I was out

Though I cannot take all the credit for myself

With the help of a therapist named Janelle, she helped me to dig my way out of my internal hell

I can now say I did it, I got back to me, and the person who I want to be

Although the pieces aren't completely one hundred percent put back together today, I know they will be one day

Through my therapy, and self-reflection

I know I will be better because I simply refuse to live my life any other way

I plan on mutating and morphing my hurt and the things I've been through, into something positive

It will one day have a purpose, a meaning, and help me to help future generations, I know it

My dream job, is to be a therapist not only to change my life but to change other’s lives

To take what I've learned, to help young people to alleviate their pain

Those who spend nights in fear that the person who harmed them will once again will appear

Who use their wrists as a canvas, and a knife as the paint brush, to make themselves feel a little of something, anything

Who want to die, who don't think their lives matter, who don't think they matter

I plan to give them hope, insight, and the will to carry on

To love themselves, and know that one day their battle will be won

Suicide is not the answer, you never know if things will be better if you're gone

This is where so many people's thoughts have gone wrong

Life is a lot of hurt, but you know what else there is?

There's happiness, traveling, new friends, ice cream sundaes, and there is love

When people cannot see past the depression and hopelessness, I will be there to help them rise above

To help them bring them back to themselves, like once, long ago I had to do for myself

I will be there, living proof that the hurt

The anger

The hate

The flashbacks

The scarring

Does get better.

And nothing can stop them from having a beautiful life, not now, not ever.                                                                


               

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