And I Panic

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My heart whispers.

And I panic.

 

My heart will whisper and it will murmur.

I was scared,

And I couldn’t breathe,

When my heart leapt forward,

And forgot to beat,

For the first time.

 

I was ten.

 

And I thought I was going to die.

 

Seven years later,

I will still hold my thumb to my neck,

And count my heart beats,

Like I once counted stars.

 

I once thought myself an irregularity,

Because my doctor told me,

“Your heart beats unevenly.”

 

What is uneven?

Broken.

Erratic.

Unequal.

Unfair.

 

Seven years later,

I was reading a book when I felt my heart whisper again.

 

I was seventeen.

And I thought I was going to die.

 

I once thought myself a freak, a wreck,

Because my doctor told me,

“You had a panic attack.”

 

What is panic?

Fear.

Anxiety.

Unease.

Unfair.

 

My family will whisper,

Like my heart murmurs,

And they will say,

“Teenagers have it so easy,

And they think they have it so hard.”

 

But I realized,

My heart may be timid,

And it may miss a beat,

But I will not.

 

I am not an irregularity,

And I will not let my heart forget,

Who it is beating for.

 

I am not a wreck,

And I will not let my mind forget,

That confidence is stronger than fear.

 

I do not suffer from heart murmurs,

Nor do I suffer from panic attacks.

I do not suffer.

 

What is prosperity?

Achievement.

Victory.

Strong.

Thriving.

 

And now,

When my family whispers,

I will yell back,

“Enough.”

 

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