And then I did Chemo!
September I am anxious I have an STD,
My doctor thinks my uterus is enlarged.
October brings an ultrasound
and within a week and a half
I am laying cut open on a surgery table,
a tumor the size of a babies head is removed from my ovary.
An hour later I am crying in the recovery room
until my parents are brought to me.
Immediately locking eyes with my mother,
The first thing I say is, “I have cancer”
Before I know it, I am home and healing
and I don’t understand.
And then a week later my pathology comes in as a grade three,
and I still don’t understand.
How can this be happening to me?
Then I’m staring at my doctor as she tells me to do chemo.
That night I go deep inside and for the first time,
the knowing that I have cancer washes over me
like a huge tidal wave.
Suddenly, I am drowning and trying to swim
but everything is pushing me under,
and I can’t stop researching
and I can’t find answers,
and I’m dropping out of school,
and everything is swirling around me
and I almost can’t breathe because of the sadness in my chest.
And my mom is crying,
and my friends won’t stop texting me
and I want all of it TO JUST GO AWAY!
I want to wake up in another body, another life.
At the same time I’m so grateful,
so amazed, at the depth of this journey,
So grateful to be alive.
And then I’m in Seattle staring across the table at the Chinese herb guy
and even he tells me to do chemo!
And somewhere in me I’ve known all along I was going to do chemo!
And then I’m at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance,
and OH MY GOD how did I even get here?
And then that doctor is telling me I could not do chemo
but holy shit do I want to be monitored for the rest of my life?
Then she tells me “chemo, chemo, chemo” because she wants me to do it,
everyone wants me to do it, I even want to do it.
The label of “cured” so amazingly enticing.
And then I’ve made my decision and I’m driving, driving to the Oregon coast
and it takes forever but I don’t care because nothing,
NOTHING, that use to matter, matters now.
And then I’m on the beach and it’s sunny and it’s Thanksgiving
but I’m not happy and I’m not feeling thankful
and I just want everyone to go away
and I cry by the fire, and I take more Ativan
because it’s all to much
and sometimes I have to be medicated.
Then a days goes by
and now I’m here, sitting on the beach,
looking at the beautiful ocean, feeling gratitude
and knowing that everything is going to be fine, just fine.”
Written November 29th, 2013