And Yet, To You: The Ravings of a Love-Struck Girl

You were the best thing that ever happened to me.

You weren't even mine;

I was never yours, I won't pretend, but God, I wish I could've been.

Unrequitedly loving someone for years takes a toll on a soul, believe me I know.

 

You were my biggest wish, the one purity in my rotted world.

I sound like a love-struck schoolgirl, I know,

But I gotta say, if love is measured in strength, I would have taken down mountains.

To you I wished the moon adn stars, daily, constantly.

 

I have always desired to call you mine, even if just for an hour.

To have your love, to catch the light thrown from you;

If you required something, to the ends of the world I would scour.

You deserve the best, not to ever be neglected or cheaply spoiled.

 

To describe you and your beauty, I struggle.

Thousands of words in our language exist,

And yet, my mind boggles.

Not one word fits you and your perfection; forgive me, for that is the closest that I can get.

 

You were the worst thing that ever happened tome.

Yes, you introduced me to love and hope,

But despairing and depressed is never what I expected to be, and you made it worse.

Since third grade, I've desired around my neck not necklaces, but a rope. Loving you, darling, never helped at all.

 

And yet, despite my past and my pains,

You, darling, were the best part of my days.

My mood lifted, if only slightly, at the sound of your voice, the sight of your face.

Hearing your laughs, and seeing your smiles could keep my demons a little farther at bay.

 

Immersing myself in things you seemed to love became a hobby.

Sports, bands, even art, though I was not talented in any.

And yet, for all my efforts, I seemed to always end up sobbing,

To always be wishing for my heart to cease in aching.

 

I've always been waiting on the sideline;

Never picked first or second or third except for academics,

It makes sense, but it always made me cry.

Of the girls of our school whom we all grew up with, I was never one of your picks.

 

I watched as you went through them, happy for your happiness

Cid, Cori, Chelsea, Mayella, and now Marley.

Wishing, hoping, but knowing deep inside I would and could never measure up to them.

I've never been much of a jealous person, but I wish I could've spent a day in their shoes.

 

I remember the late nights, not so long ago;

I'd open my wrists and cry and hope I wasn't heard.

My demons were in and around me, and I was so tired of the war.

I painted my body bloody at night, and smiled by day, just so you wouldn't worry.

 

I decided to confess my feelings,

There was a fractal of my soul that was optimistic.

I was terrified, my head was reeling;

And yet again, my heart broke. I spiraled further down.

 

I remember the day I decided I was too tired. The smiles hurt.

I smiled, and wrote those letters to you and the others, and waited for death.

That night, I cried because I knew I'd never feel your arms around me, or your lips against mine, and the tears burned more than the pain.

I don't know why I lived, but it lowered my self-esteem even more.

 

I have my demons, they still come out to play.

At night they tickle my thoughts, and whisper to me.

They whisper about you, and my future, and everything about myself.

Some nights, I cry. Some nights, I paint. Some nights I do both.

 

I wish I could hate you;

You have been the bane of my existence.

And yet, I can only love you;

I suppose loving you for fifteen years has made my heart unable to hate you.

 

To you, I wish the stars and the moon,

Even if it means I would live in darkness.

For you, I wish happiness,

Even if that would mean I live in tears.

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741