April 12th

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I was going to kill myself on April 12th

April 12th

I don’t know what it was about that date that stood out for me

Maybe it was the odd symmetry of it…4/12/14

Maybe it was the day the semester ended

Maybe it was three months after my birthday

But for whatever reason, it’s the day I chose

I had it all planned out

I’d make a video of apologies

“I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry sister, I’m sorry friend”

I’d tell every soul how sorry I was for all the trouble I’d caused simply existing

I’d say it all over again because last time I wasn’t brave enough to go through with my sacrifice

I’d spew every millimeter of guilt straight out of my tired body and then I’d whip around and devour the little bottle of pills they say will put me to sleep

I’d sleep for a long time

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

It felt right

It felt like it was the day I would finally say “fuck it” to everything and end the struggle that I seemed to go through with every breath I took every song I sang

Every step I ran

I felt chains wrapped around my ribs growing tighter and tighter every time I exhaled and blades cursing my skin with scars that would never see the light of day and stretch marks dawning my hips and my thighs and I felt trapped in the body I’d been given I felt…sad

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

And then you said hello

You told me that you thought I was an awesome person and that life was something that was beautiful that you were proud of me for waking up and breathing every day

That the pills they threw at me were going to help that I was not alone that you’d been through it all too

You’d send me pictures of flowers and sunsets and star clusters and remind me that there is beauty in this universe

You’d let me talk about what was bothering me you’d let me sing to you you’d let me be myself

You didn’t know I was going to kill myself on April 12th

But that didn’t matter to you

Every person’s life was something worth saving to you

I was worth something to you

It came as no surprise to anyone when I found myself falling for you

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

And we got to talking

To enthusing about music about poetry about all the places we’d go

I’d off-handedly joke about running away and you’d respond with “in that moment it would be only us.”

You’d be the sweetest person I was graced to know

You’d make me feel like I was beautiful even when you didn’t want in my pants

You’d send me on flights through the galaxy and I’d see my reflection in a puddle and notice the stardust on my shoulders for the first time

I started to question whether I really wanted to kill myself on April 12th

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

Kill myself

Because my grades had been slipping because my friends had been guilty because my heart had been misplaced once again

Because I knew that the hatred I felt towards my own bones could only be resolved in one way

Because I was tired of the spikes in my shoes digging into the soles of my feet with every pound on the ground

Because I wanted to die

And then I’d get lost in you
I’d wander into those bright blue eyes I’d see on my computer screen and lose my trail and fall asleep by the creek and wake up to the birds chirping your name

I love you I love you I love you

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

And I’d remember

You’d never see me that way

You hadn’t the slightest idea how I felt for you that your romance belonged to another

That I was a friend

To everyone—a friend

Nothing but a friend

A person to stick in their leaderly shoes and whip into pulling their rusty sleigh and scold when I wanted to rest for only a second or two please

I was a fucking friend

I started to remember why I wanted to kill myself on April 12th

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

Attend my own funeral

Watch my father cry as if he didn’t remember all the times he’d shot me down and told me I was no one and told me I was ugly and told me I was worthless

Watch my friends reminisce on the memories we’d shared in the years past

Watch the hurt in his eyes when he finally realized how I really felt for him for so long

Watch them all move on
Watch them all forget

Watch my corpse turn to soil and stardust

Watch myself die

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

I was going to kill myself

I was going to

I was

I—

I’d play along with the game you started listening to each other’s music on shuffle

I’d listen to every cliché punk rock song that is every teenager’s anthem that you’d send me

I’d send you all my overdramatic tragic musical theatre soliloquys

You’d tell me you didn’t hate them

It’d be hard for me to believe you

I’d dodge the question when you asked me why that song was relevant

Why I felt like an invisible girl falling for superman why my eyes felt irrelevant why I felt obsolete

I’d dance around your curiosity but

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

So why the hell not?

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

When you asked me who was the person that had stolen my heart

But this time it didn’t feel like a robbery

When you teased me and begged me to tell you who it was that I wanted so badly that I’d thought would never be mine

That was both unavailable and out of my league

You’d say “Who?”

Pshhh.

“Who’d it be?”

Pshhhhh.

“Come on, Sami, who?”

Pshhhhhh.

“Who…who…me?”

Pshhhhhhhh.

…yes.

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th

And then you told me you felt the same way

That you and your girlfriend at the time were drifting apart that she was pushing you away

That you had thought about it and I was the only person you could see yourself being happy with

That you wanted to tell me you loved me

(Platonically at the time)

But you never could

And yeah, you felt the same way

 

I was going to kill myself on April 12th?

And then you told me you loved me for the first time

I told you I love you too

Oh god I love you

We’d talk about running away again and in that moment it’d be only us

Our soil, our stardust, our blood pumping in unison

We’d be happy

For the first time in forever

For not only my own festering sadness but yours as well

We’d be happy

 

I was going to KILL myself on April 12th?!

The distance between us doesn’t mean a thing

The Skype fuck-ups

The faulty internet

The iPhones being real fucking bitches

None it matters when we can take a step back and look at what we do for each other

And look forward to every second we will get to spend in each other’s arms

And we will get to spend time in each other’s arms I promise you

I promise you

I promise you

It gets better

And you know what?

I’m glad I didn’t kill myself on April 12th.

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