Be Still, and Know that He is God

I don’t feel like normal people

(Or at least, I don’t think so)

Simple emotions, certainly

Happiness, sorrow, anger

I run the normal gamut

With the others of our race

Feeling a thing

Then having the feeling pass

But all my strongest emotions are best expressed

By stillness

And airlessness

And silence

 

Rage, fury, too strong, and I still

I become tall, much taller than I am

And my eyes are just thin layers of slime I could rub away

Tingles prickle my skin at all my joints, half-felt

Numbness that sweeps through me

Tip to toe

And leaves me hollowed out, echoing

In that moment I could dispassionately dissect my focus

Vein by vein

Hear their cries and feel

Nothing

Sounds are muted

I am sure if I tried

I could hear my pulse

And I am still

And I am silent

And the hollowness leaves me airless

 

Fear too powerful, and I gasp

Hopelessly

For air that’s not coming

Not of anything that can rip the flesh

Nothing formed can make me feel this way

No, only the formless

The abstract

The future

The possibles I fear

Paralyzing

Down to my knees, and I pray, pray, pray

Even as most of my mind is still as a tree

In hopes that it won’t be noticed perhaps?

And I certainly don’t scream

That’s for lesser fears

And I pray

Pray

Pray

Pray

And I try to draw in a breath

But only the thinnest edges of air

Can slip past the block in my throat

Silent

Still

Airless

 

Sorrow too aching

And tears can barely even come

For some reason, I can barely even cry at all

For my worst, most wrenching sorrows and regrets

There is no need to suppress my sobs

I could barely draw enough breath for a whine if I tried

And beside which sobs aren’t quite the right thing

For the throbbing in my lungs

(Or is it mind or soul or liver or chest? perhaps all? who can tell?)

I can hardly breathe

I am still

Though I don’t know if it’s because

I don’t know how to express what I am feeling

Or if that’s the best way to do so

Airless

Silent

Still

 

Joy so suffocating

And I clench my chest in my mind and

Freeze

It’s too much for my body

Which just can’t cope with

Such large doses of emotion to begin with

And when joy is the strongest of them all?

Oh, no

My body can’t contain something of that magnitude

And it strains at the seams

(And I’m not at all convinced it doesn’t burst)

It hurts, and I can’t contain something like that, I can’t!

And I swallow mouthfuls of air

That don’t seem to contain any oxygen

And in my mind my eyes are wide

And fearful

And pained

And I clutch my chest

And I back into the wall

And I slide down it to the ground

And I keel over and lie there

Curled and panting

And through it all, I could swear my lungs are still

Certainly all non-immediately needed organs are

My limbs are numb

And I can only feel a small, precious cavity in my chest

With any sort of real connection

Oh, so divorced from most of me

Perhaps it has broken and died

Due to bursting from the

Overflowing

Overpowered emotion

And that is why I can’t feel it all

Oh, still

Oh, airless

And for the sake of those around me

Feeling only happiness and not this

Paralyzing

Overwhelming joy

Silent as the grave

 

Perhaps someday I’ll show someone what I really feel

That paralyzing, airless sensation that leaves me

Feeling as though I need to

Brace my arms against the wall or

Throw myself back bodily

So that my back hits the wall

And the physical can match the internal

(But I can’t, my neck won’t support such violent movement)

But I wonder if I’ll ever really trust someone that much

In anima


But for now

Secret

Airless

Silent

Still.

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