Before I Dare to Believe

I learned to love the quiet after goodbye, The kind of silence that never asks me why. I learned to sleep with one side of the bed cold, And call it freedom when loneliness took hold. I learned to eat alone beneath the kitchen light, To make peace with the shadows waiting every night. I learned that empty rooms don't always feel sad, Sometimes they're safer than the love I once had. No one can leave if no one gets inside, No one can break what I refuse to provide. So I locked every window, buried every key, And told myself that this was what it meant to be free. But freedom tastes different when you secretly ache, When every closed door is a door you still want to open someday. I don't miss being someone's everything, I miss having someone to call when the evening begins. I miss knowing someone's voice by heart, I miss the foolish faith that nothing could fall apart. I miss believing that tenderness could stay, That people could choose you at the end of every day. And sometimes, beneath all the strength I display, I wish somebody would simply refuse to walk away. Not because I need saving from the life I've made, But because I am tired of pretending I don't need to be held. I hate that hope still lives beneath my skin, Quiet as a prayer I am afraid to let begin. Because wanting someone means giving fear a name, And I don't know if I can survive another flame. I have already stood where the ashes fall, And I remember how small I felt beneath it all. So yes, I want love—but I fear it most of all. I remember the first time I trusted without doubt, How I let another heart learn every way in and out. I gave them the parts I had hidden for years, The softest places, the oldest fears. I thought being honest meant being safe, Thought two open hearts could never become a grave. I thought if I loved with everything I had, Then surely leaving would not make them turn bad. But love doesn't bargain with what we deserve, And some people leave even when you give them your world. They leave behind rooms full of unfinished plans, Cold sheets, unanswered questions, and trembling hands. And you become an expert at pretending you're fine, While quietly breaking one memory at a time. You delete the messages but remember the words, You stop saying their name but still feel the hurt. You learn every corner of your own regret, Every place where "forever" still hasn't left yet. Then one morning you realize you've changed, That the person who loved them is somehow rearranged. You become careful where you once were brave, You become distant where you once wanted to stay. You start reading endings inside every beginning, Looking for the moment the losing starts winning. A smile becomes suspicious, a promise becomes thin, And every "I won't leave" sounds like a warning within. You don't want to be cold, but warmth has a price, And you've already paid it more than once in your life. So you stand at the edge of another possible heart, Wanting to step forward, terrified to start. Because the hardest thing isn't learning to live alone, It's wondering whether love is worth rebuilding home. I don't need someone to complete what is whole, I don't need another person to carry my soul. I don't need a promise that nothing will ever change, Because I know life itself can rearrange. I only want someone who understands the weight Of arriving gently and refusing to rush fate. Someone who knows that trust is not a switch, That some doors open slowly because they were hurt before. Someone who won't call my caution a lack of love, Or make me feel guilty for what I am frightened of. I want someone who notices the little things, The way I go quiet when uncertainty stings. Someone who doesn't disappear when I retreat, But gives me space without making distance complete. Someone who can sit beside my silence and stay, Without demanding that I become fearless that day. I want a love that feels ordinary and true, The kind that makes room for both me and you. Not fireworks every night, not impossible vows, Just two people choosing each other somehow. I want mornings where nothing dramatic occurs, Where love is found in the smallest gestures. A cup left waiting, a light left on, A hand reaching for mine before the darkness is gone. I want arguments that end with understanding, Not slammed doors and one heart left standing. I want apologies that change what comes next, Not beautiful words used to cover neglect. I want someone whose actions don't contradict their voice, Someone who makes staying feel like a natural choice. And maybe that's why I still haven't given up: Because somewhere inside me, I still believe in enough. Enough tenderness to soften what pain made hard, Enough patience to rebuild what fear keeps barred. Enough love to exist without becoming a scar. Even if I don't yet know where you are. Still, some nights I tell myself not to dream, Not to romanticize what love could mean. I tell myself that solitude is clean, That nothing can hurt me if nothing gets seen. I tell myself I have survived worse before, That I don't need anyone knocking at my door. But then I imagine your hand finding mine, And suddenly all my defenses lose their design. I imagine a voice saying, "Take your time," And for once, patience doesn't feel like a crime. I imagine being known without being exposed, Being loved without having to constantly prove. I imagine falling asleep without wondering when The person beside me will become a stranger again. Maybe you won't promise what nobody can know, Maybe you'll simply stay and let something grow. Maybe we'll build it from ordinary days, From honest conversations and quiet ways. Maybe you'll see the ruins and not call them ugly, Maybe you'll understand why I guard myself so carefully. Maybe I won't have to hide the trembling in my hands, Or pretend that fear doesn't affect my plans. Maybe I'll tell you, "I am scared of losing you," And you'll answer, "I know, but I'm still here with you." Not forever carved into some impossible stone, Just today, tomorrow, and the days we can own. And maybe that's enough for a heart like mine, To stop searching for guarantees and simply take its time. Because I am beginning to understand something at last: The future isn't obligated to repeat the past. Someone new should not have to pay for an old goodbye, And I shouldn't punish tomorrow because yesterday made me cry. I can carry my scars without making them law, I can remember the pain without living inside its walls. I can want someone and still belong to myself, I can love deeply without abandoning everything else. And maybe that's the beginning—not of certainty, But of becoming brave enough to let someone see me. So if I still ache for someone, let the ache remain, It doesn't make me weak; it means I'm alive again. If I still dream of a hand reaching through the dark, It doesn't erase the damage or diminish every scar. I am allowed to want what once destroyed me in another form, To believe that not every touch has to become a storm. I am allowed to hope without calling it trust, To take one careful step without surrendering too much. I am allowed to say no, to leave, to turn away, And still believe someone good might come another day. I am allowed to protect the heart I rebuilt, Without believing that love itself is always guilt. Maybe the right person won't arrive like a rescue, Maybe they'll arrive like peace I slowly learn to trust too. Maybe they won't promise me I'll never cry, They'll simply refuse to make me question why. Maybe they won't save me from the ruins I know, They'll stand beside me while I rebuild them slow. And if someday I place my heart into their hands, I hope they understand the courage that demands. Because I won't be giving them something untouched, I'll be giving them something that has survived too much. A heart with cracks, but still capable of light, A heart that has learned the difference between wrong and right. A heart that knows leaving can be necessary, But staying can be beautiful when both are ready. And if fear whispers, "You'll end up alone," I'll answer, "Perhaps—but I will still be my own." I won't trade my soul just to keep someone near, I won't call destruction love because I fear. I will love with open eyes, not blind devotion, With boundaries, honesty, patience, and emotion. And if the world gives me someone worth believing in, I won't promise I won't tremble—I will simply begin. Not because I am no longer afraid of the fall, But because I finally know I can rise after it all.