Big Smile, Heavy Heart

I am the girl who won't strike up a conversation. The one who sits quietly in the classroom, wishing someone would be her friend.

I am the girl who walks alone. The one no one bothers to say hello to.

I am the girl who passes her classes. The one who studies quietly in her room because she has nothing else to do.

I am the girl who wishes she was back at home. The one who feels out of place.

I am the girl who has gone through so much. The one no one cares what has happened to her, even though she has been through more than they could imagine.

That is who I am here.

I am the girl who grew up early. The one who went through what no other five year old should ever have to suffer through.

I am the girl who learned big words. The one who knew what Rhabdomyosarcoma, Radiation, Chemotherapy, and Surgery meant.

I am the girl who was sick. The one who became weak, pale, bald, and small.

I am the girl who smiled. The one who would sing songs and make jokes and make faces to make sure that her family was happy.

I was the girl with the brother. The one who only wanted to play with her 1 year old brother but couldn't.

I am the girl who survived. The one who deafeated cancer, but did not defeat its effects.

I am the girl who went home. The one who was half blind and weak, but strong and unafraid.

I am the girl who lost her house. The one who went to chop down a real Christmas tree five years later with her family, only to have it and everything else turn to ashes sixteen days before Christmas.

I am the girl who was the senior. The one who was in her last month of high school.

I am the girl who stayed strong. The one who was calm in the chaos of the day her father was in a motorcycle wreck.

I am the girl who played her part. The one who was able to perform in her play even though her father was hours away in the hospital.

I am the girl who was there. The one who stayed by her family's side through their difficulties.

I am the girl who was proud. The one who knew her father was strong enough to be able to heal and one day walk again.

I am the girl who stayed. The one who stayed at the hopital with her mother and father until he could come home.

I am the girl who heard. The one who heard there was a wreck on the way to her home, sixteen days after her father's, a week after he came home.

I am the girl who went. The one who went to the wreck because she wouldn't pick up the phone.

I am the girl who came home. The one who collapsed on the porch in her father's arms.

I am the girl who called her brother. The one who had to tell her freshman brother who was at the state golf tournament what happened.

I am the girl who never saw. The one who will never be able to see her mother again.

I am the girl who cried.

I am the girl who didn't want to go.

I am the girl who graduated. The one who didn't have her mother with her, but had a broken heart instead.

I am the girl who went. The one who went to college despite her never wanting to leave her family again.

I am the girl who is had problems. The one who had to have her eye removed due to those late effects.

I am the girl who wasn't missed. The one who was gone for a month from college, that no one realized was gone.

I am the girl who smiles. The one who stays strong for her family, her few friends back home, and everyone else who knows her.

I am the girl who inspires. The one who inspires those who know her story to be better and braver and stronger.

I am the girl who wears a big smile. The one who has to pretend she is okay and that nothing is wrong.

The thing that people don't realize, is that I am the girl who hurts.

The one who wishes she had an eye. The one who wants her mom back. The one who wishes bad things didn't happen to other.

The one who wears a big smile, and carries a heavy heart.

I am that girl.

But I am also the girl who will keep moving forward.

The girl who refuses to let things push her down.

The girl who will prove to the world that she can.

This, is me.

#NoFilter

 

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