Black and Blue

Sitting here inside myself
Specters ruminate 
Suicidal apathy 
My ego is irate
 
As I melt into my chair
Dazed and a bit confused
Not the kind of Thursday afternoon
That I would choose
 
Life isnʼt happening 
Quite as I had planned
Date marked on my calendar 
Pistol in my hand
 
I should lie
I canʼt cry 
Hope to die
Please
 
I canʼt breathe
I canʼt think
On my fucking knees
 
Every waking second tryina check out
Screens, sex, food, drugs, booze
Throughout
 
“Itʼs ok, Honey, this too shall pass!”
No it wonʼt, fuck you in the ass, bitch.
 
Decay
Obey
Please stay
With me
I pray
Give way
For a new day
For a new day
 
My cognition is painfully subdued
Praiseworthy morality comin unglued
 
Once a social butterfly
Now a brown recluse
I donʼt drive
I just swing places on my noose
 
Emotional steel walls keep everyone outside
Now Iʼm trapped inside here, stuck with all my lies
 
Lost the day, 
Itʼs all gray,
Canʼt get out of bed
 
Mad at God. 
Heʼs a fraud
I feel so misled.
 
Will it forever be this extreme?
Will I have to give up my hopes and dreams?
 
Decay
Obey
Please stay
With me
I pray
Give way
For a new day
 
Iʼm so far down I canʼt even bathe
Or sleep
Or wake
Or think
Or work
Or laugh
Or behave
 
Tried the whole fucking pharmacy and still blocked
Guess the only thing to help me now is get shocked
 
Childhood dreams slipping out of my reach
Feeling like Iʼll never be able to teach
 
A teacher, a foster mom, a volunteer
I gotta be tough, I gotta persevere
 
Itʼs so hard though, Iʼm barely hanging on
For my family and future Iʼm trying to be strong
 
Trying to be positive and smile through it all
I take all of my pills and never forget to call
 
I read, I pray, sit still and write
I talk and listen to the stars at night
 
Iʼm trying. I really am
Even though it seems like itʼs not worth a damn
 
No matter how hard it gets I keep walking through
But man, my feet are getting black and blue
 
Decay
Obey
Please stay
With me
I pray
Give way
For a new day
For a good day

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