is too beautiful a word
to describe being eaten from the inside out
wanting to melt away into nothing.
is the color of a morning sky
the reflection of it shining off
a kitchen knife.
is the color
of freshly pooled blood
because blood is the way you want to go
a statement of bold red
matted in your hair and pooling on the floor
a last dramatic flair.
is a word to describe
failing a math quiz
or losing a necklace,
not curling up into a ball in a dark room
begging not to be found
but also hoping to be
because a small part of you still believes
you could be saved.
but instead you whisper to ghosts
and beg them to help you
but they don't
because they're scared
of what your mind can do
and what you do to yourself.
is what happens when you scrape your knee
not when the knife slowly slides against your skin
savoring the feeling
like inhaling smoke
and exhaling with eyes closed
happy to be feeling something.
is breaking down in tears
because life is too much
and all at once you feel nothing anymore
because you don't know how to get out of bed
because the floor is covered with shards of glass that you put there
because the minute your feet touch the floor
you'll fall far far down
and you may never get out,
because you can't think of reasons to live
or people who might care
you only think about that pain deep in your stomach
and the prickly feeling of eyes red with tears.
I'm "tired" you'll say
to friends who want to go out
or parents who aren't concerned
while you sit on the floor and cry
and sleep and wake up and cry some more
"get over it" they say
when you haven't smiled for days
when you forget to eat some days
or forget to come downstairs
because the people who were supposed to love you and protect you
tell you to stop being "rude" and a "brat"
because the scars are from accidents
and it's all just a phase
"hormones" they say
and laugh and continue with their lives,
because blue is just a color
that follows me around
red is just an idea
sadness is just an emotion not a condition,
and the cuts are only from paper.