‘Thermodynamic equilibrium

is defined as the state of an isolated system in which

there is no tendency for spontaneous change

a tenuous balance between unimaginable forces.’

do you remember those words? the first lines of the

poem I wrote using the tracery of the scars you etched onto my heart

hairline fractures I didn’t quite notice until they spread into a web of cracks

finally split apart.

I wrote so much those days

between begging for you to answer my calls

message me back

just

look me in the eye.

useless words

wasted on you but hey

at least I did one thing right.

that outpouring of syllables thieved the poison from my veins

drained away the yellow-green infection of hatred and pain that you left behind

left me empty enough to start rebuilding.

when I met you, I was afraid

of spiders, needles, the ever-present threat of a meaningless future,

myself.

you made me

not brave but reckless

late night computer screens, the stuttering of your lips against mine

words falling out of my mouth, the rush of not thinking for once in my goddamn life.

I was young stupid desperate for the screaming headlight car crash kind of love

you took the wheel, offered me a ride

I scrambled into the car.

Every mile I drove with you altered me

bit by bit

into something serpentine with rough edges and sharp eyeliner

nihilist and cruel, half of a pair of Borgias

the caress of a stiletto heel and a dagger.

When I finally hit the brakes

remembered the pastel sweater and pencil-behind-ear person I used to be

all sunshine and bubblegum pop at five-thirty a.m.

I hadn’t written in months.

you said

my friends had left me for half-dead

you were all I had left, you were my everything, what else was there

you told me it was because you loved me.

You lied.

in this new post-you world

I have found friends who anchor me

supporting my dreams

eating ice cream and watching ‘80s movies

making mistakes and fixing them

texting me pictures of their dogs at midnight and forgiving me for what I did to them.

I have found a family who cares for me

playing tag in the backyard

writing me misspelled notes and talking about our futures over lunch

baking cookies while screaming lyrics from musicals and dancing around the kitchen

accepting me for who I truly am and forgetting every mistake I ever made.

I have found myself
a work in progress still working

to accept the forgiveness, stability, acceptance, understanding, trust

real love

around me.

Forget waiting around for you

chasing the next high and bleeding out my humanity.

I’m building my own world

one brick and one person at a time.