Carefree Black Girl: Part I (Pronouncement of Death)

She could spread her wings with the birds and the bees and follow the sun as they became one

Rays of fire soaking through her pores and wrapped around her bones it lifts her up higher than everyone else 

and she soars through the sky, still burning at night 

embodying the smoke I want that fire raging inside of me again

The ground is too cold for my weakened bones

The ground is my new vision

A head too heavy 

And knees so rough

These knees that are no longer too tender to touch

Her knees were scraped by this vision

Her hands were shaped like the clouds

Her skin was sculpted by a god

But now it's been to hell and back

Now it's unrecognizable

They bruised her as they used her and they emptied all her veins 

These scars were self-inflicted

These wounds were after dark

The sun wasn't drying up my tears but my pillow enjoyed our talk

Her pillow was never wet

Her sheets were never stained

When she lied in her bed to rest her head

Her head was never too heavy

Her heart was never too fast

Her face would never crease

There was always distance between her cheeks 

But this face of two decades now has scars and lines and shadows underneath its eyes

There's no curve between its cheeks

Just a dull line hiding the gaps between its teeth

She sometimes slept without a blanket

Now she has to or my eyes won't close and now this body covers itself 

No one can see what I've done to it

No one can tell me how I've ruined it and how she killed herself years ago 

so now my mind can finally rest 

like it used to

Like she used to think of her favorite things and wake up smiling about her dreams

But now she's an insomniac 

She's too afraid to close her eyes and see what's racing inside my mind

She's always tired and always sad

And she'll be grateful when you ask because someone acknowledged her pain

I won't tell her why but I'm glad she stopped to ask

I won't tell her why I ruined her

I won't tell her how these 20 years have ruined me and now she's pulling on my sleeve 

hanging down low my sleeve is gripped tightly in our weak hands because she's curious as to why I ended her life

Why I let go of something so innocent

Why I buried her alive

Why my eyes put out her fire 

Why I burnt out her light

I can see her as the sun sets

and my darkness rises high

Or should I say goodbye to this fading star because I can never welcome you home

Should I carve your name or mine into this knee-scraping stone?

May you rest in peace eyes closed

mind empty of my worries

May you rest in peace may you rest in peace, carefree black girl, may you rest in peace

Because this now careful black woman will never get to sleep with your remains beneath her feet

This poem is about: 
Me

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