Conveniently Crazy

I'm trying to live, but end up merely existing..

I don't know what to do any more.

I'm stuck inside myself reaching for a door that no longer opens 

and i am becoming hoarse from screaming..

why don't you see that I'm broken?

why don't you see that I'm lost?

please stop saying i do this for fun.. I'm only crazy when it is convenient..

oh let's test that and see..

was I conveniently crazy when i was locked up and you were on the other side waiting for me..

you believe what you want to believe..

you think I use my illness as a crutch.

but what you don't realize is that everyday I'm shit outta luck..

because I want to stop this pain...

this constant pain..

this constant draining sensation that I am constantly feeling..

I wonder how I am even alive?

if you gave a robot my heart, I promise it'll be of more use than I was..

I'm nothing.. just chasing the barrel of my own gun..

am I still conveniently crazy?

look at my arm.. do I cut just to fufill a craving of wanting attention..

or do I cut to ease the pain..I hid them for years so I'm still trying to figure out what you are saying..

but I'm conveniently crazy..right?

and you wonder why I keep silent..

because when I tell somebody something.. I end up with nothing..

I'm not bluffing.. it really ends up this way..

day by day, I fake my way through this play called life in which I'm being forced to star in..

I just want my character to get fired or killed off the show..

I'm done playing the girl who is only crazy for show..

you think I am an attention seeker...

so just say what it is.

drag me through the dirt, at least I'll feel at home again..

so to you I'm only crazy when it is convenient..

but to myself I wish it was that simple.

everyday I fight not to bring forth what is on my mental..

if I put my thoughts into actions.. all would be doomed..

but when you find me lying in a room surrounded by my own blood with the name conveniently crazy written on the wall surrounded by dust because nobody would find me... that's okay.. 

don't be sad because I did it for show anyways..

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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