Dead or Alive

Sun, 02/23/2014 - 19:37 -- Hskye

 

I'm haunted by her echoing words
The late nights, the screaming fights
They never leave me alone
I can't escape, because my mind always recreates the pain I went through
She hid behind a wall of protection, she knew no one would see
The wounds inflicted, cut so deep, that years later I still crumple at her feet
She lost the power long ago, but she still tries to hold me close
It's my fault I don't oppose the misconstrue affection she puts me through
She destroyed the only family she ever knew, looking for something no one new
The pain, and hatred grew inside, until I could no longer hide, nor disguise the woman I hated so sincerely 
In fact, I never knew I'd once loved her so dearly, perhaps even she knew all along I was clay in her arms 
I was naive, only a small child, wrapped up in the disguise of a smile
I knew not what she was capable of, until the had to save myself 
When you are going to die, one begins to realize, there is little time, for silly things like childhoods 
" You need to learn how the world sees you" is what she informs me of
The sad truth is, I thought I was a majestic dove, a little girl full of happiness and curls 
The truth indeed was told, the world was cold, I hated it, because she was from there
The world gave me her, so I hated the world, it gave me her, who made my life hell
I fell, not to my death, sadly, I suppose
You see, the pain was real, just like the hatred that kept me alive
Alive, that's what happens when you're not dead
Dead, I wished that for myself everyday, without fail, I always made it another day
The only gain was the knowledge that if their was a God he was sure sending her to hell 
My shelter was in the pages of a book, the story was better than the one I lived, the characters braver than I'd ever been, their strength shown through their writers pride
As hard as I tried, I couldn't disguise the hatred I had inside
I tried to die four plus times, the reality is I'm still living
Love, is a four letter word, I knew how to spell, but never understood
The only thing I knew, was how to survive, and make sure my sister and I didn't die
If pain was money, I'd be rich, but instead I got zilch 
But I positively know how to survive
So, God if you're listening, please tell me why I went through all of that, but in my mind I never left 
 
 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741