Dear Ladies,

Why does my existence confuse you? Why is it that you feel as though I can’t exist if I don’t want to fuck you? I don’t want to fuck you! When I ask you a question, I’m asking you a question, I don’t need to know you have a boyfriend. If you answer my question by telling me you have a boyfriend then you obviously didn’t hear my question and I won’t be repeating myself. 

Dear Ladies,

Why do you make me feel as though I’m an artifact you purchased in Taiwan, as if the only aspect you gain from my friendship is inclusiveness. Why is it that when you introduce me to your friends to your family and to your boyfriends you refer to me as your gay friend? As if the only thing special about me is the fact that I like men as much as you do.

Dear Ladies,

Why do you assume that every gay person wants to date each other? I don’t care that Carl at your office is gay and I don’t care how much he loves cats. Yeah I fuckin love cats, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna love Carl. 

Dear Ladies,

Remember that time at the bar when you got drunk and told me how cool gay people were and how you totally wish you were gay. Honest question? Do you think that I enjoy being gay? Do you think I don’t wake up every morning hating myself for who I see in the mirror? Do you think I don’t go to sleep at night wishing that I was straight because then it wouldn’t be so damn hard to tell my family because then it wouldn’t be so damn hard to tell my friends because then it wouldn’t be so damn hard.

Dear Ladies,

When did you know you were straight?

Are you straight because of your parents?

Why did you become straight?

Annoying isn’t it!?

Dear Ladies,

Telling me “this is why you’re gay” pisses me right the fuck off. What do you mean this is why I’m gay!? I’m gay because I like dick Patricia. Not all gay people like musicals, not all gay people are drag queens, and not all gay people watch that stupid YouTuber you like. 

Dear Ladies,

Why do you insist on making me feel as though I am less because I am a man? Last I checked women weren’t a minority. Men have feelings too, men can have mental illnesses too, and believe it or not.... men get sexually assaulted too. That rape joke you heard at the bar was so offensive that you wanted to leave, yet for some reason when Sarah mentions dropping the soap it is the funniest thing you heard that day. You laugh so hard that milk comes out of your nose while the boy who was raped in high school slips away to cry in the bathroom. 

Dear Ladies,

Why do you make men feel as though they can not be vulnerable. Why do you make men feel as though if they admit that they have been sexually assaulted then they are less of a man. Why do you make men feel as though they are nothing unless they are with a woman. Why do you have so many standards for what makes a man?

Dear Ladies,

I’m never going to fit your mold for the perfect man. I’m never going to accept being a novelty. I’m never going to have sex with you, not matter how much you flirt when you’re drunk and I’m never going to hit on your boyfriend so don’t worry, he doesn’t deserve me anyways. 

Dear Ladies,

Many of you are doing amazing and you’ve come so far in the past years. I’m genuinely proud of you all and I can’t thank you enough, but seriously if you’re about to judge me for being less than the perfection that you require, then just leave me the hell alone.