Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I have been trying my best, you don't see it but I have been. But my best still isn't good enough and for that, I don't know what to do anymore. I've messed up so bad with school and my friends. I stay in my room because why the fuck would I come out? To be looked at with disgust in my own mothers face? To hear silence when I walk into once a loud room. For you to only talk to me when dinner is ready or when I've done something wrong. You never acknowledge my achievements only my downfalls. In my room I feel safe from your looks but never your words. You stand at my door, screaming at the top of your lungs about how much I've failed you. At how lazy I am, that I sleep all day. I sleep all day so I don't have to see you or him. I'm not lazy I am sad. I feel so alone, why don't you see this? Why don't you ask how I am? If you looked at my wrists you'd see my pain in bright red. If you would listen when I tell you I'm sad, why don't you listen? I yell it but you call me crazy. You look at me like how could you be sad? I live in a house where I'm called a cunt on the daily, your boyfriend makes it clear that I'm not his and he hates me. News flash asshole I know I'm not yours, hate me all you want. This constant yelling and fighting is driving me insane, this is why I sleep the day away. I'm sorry though. I truly am, I wish I could be stronger than this. But everyday I feel like something is breaking in me, and I'm so scared that one day I'm gonna be gone. Right now it's 4:21 p.m and I hear him screaming about my existence, telling you that if I don't go he does. Flashbacks of when I was 12 pop into my dark head of when he said this before. This is his favourite line. He uses it all the time. I know I tell you mom that I'm sorry that I'll do better but it's hard. It's hard to get up when I don't want to get up, it's hard to do things when I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. This sadness that I feel reminds me of when I was 12 and you kicked me out. Because of him. So yes, I'm afraid of when he says "me or them" because every single time mom you choose him. 6 years and I'm finally back with you but it's not you. You've changed and I don't know how to adapt to it. You seem like a stranger to me. But I will always love you so much mom, all I want is for you to be happy and loved and taken care of. You've had a hard life, but so have I. So I am done trying to prove that I'm worth it. Because you should know that I am, you are my mother. But you treat me like I'm a stranger. 

 

This poem is about: 
My family

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