Dear Mom

Let me tell you a story
About a girl that needed her mom
It’s a story that I have lived and told before but let this story bring to light the truth of her ways
mom don't you know I need you
That everyday I miss you yet I can't find you
I used to wonder where the time went
You made everything seem as if it were okay and that this dream of a happy life you had
were rainbows and butterflies were all around and we could dream and dream and dream and it would all come true
But it wasn't real
But what is real at this point because each day and night
With every smoke and drink I could tell that my mom
The one that I was stuck with was sick and broken
And no doctor or shrink can fix what's broken in her
Or me
At age 10
I was a little girl in a world growing up too fast with a mother just wanting to go back to the past
And sometimes even with what you put me through I still find myself thinking about having a relationship with you
But then when I realize what’s happened
I use the eyes that you gave me and I see past the illusion and see where I really am
Mom don't you see that you have broken me too
With a broken heart and tears I can't stop
You have passed on poison but there is one thing you should know
I'll never be as sick as you
Because mom I may be depressed and scared and the future is always uncertain but I know which path to take and what way is right and wrong
unlike you who couldn't see the world around you because you were so blinded by everything but I'm not like you.
Mom I'm am lonely
And when dad and you split
I was angry
But I turned the angry into lonely and I can't find you when I needed you
Because you were so concerned with trying to be dope but you were so doped that you couldn't even see me.
And I find myself every day wondering did you want me?
Was I an accident
Mistake
Or was it that you saw yourself in me and so you saw the events that broke
And I begged and I pleaded and I fell to my knees crying out that I needed my mom
But you couldn't hear me
And now you’re gone
While Everyone and their mom wants defend you
But in life they turned their back on you
From family to friends to your own kids
But let one person say the truth
And they have your back
In death
And when I think of you
I think of the flame of a candle
And when I see a candle I see a church
and with that church I am standing next to your casket and I realize that everybody I love and care for will someday die
Mom
Why couldn't hear me
Why couldn't you be there when I fell to my knees
Pleading
Begging
crying
Why were you my friend when I needed my mom
But these questions are empty
Because you are gone
And now that you are dead we have come to an end
And despite everything that has been said
by the people who left and abandoned you
I know the truth
And that truth is that you were not a good mom
You tried but you did not try hard enough
Because you choose your drugs over your children
Your men over your children
Yourself over your children
And not even then did you ever choose your children
But your days have run out
And sometimes I wonder if this was all just a test
Do I pass or fail
Did I make the team, get the grade
Or do have to take it again
It’s clear that I have made it
I’ve been through hell and back and now that I'm here I don't plan to ever go back

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741