Dear Moonchild,

             You Will Never Break Me.

 

I knew I was playing the game

I signed up for it the moment you texted me.

I didn't have to send a message or press the call button.

I called you, and the universe answered.

 

And here we go again.

A game of cat and mouse.

Except this time I thought I would win .

I told myself I was the cat.

The rule maker.

The driver.

The master of ceremonies .

But I was losing.

Losing myself in my own conquest

 

Like a hunter hangs all her kills

I wanted to finish what I started last summer.

The thirst and desire to have you as a my brand.

The others fell into this trap, but you refused to.

And I thought it meant something

Perhaps you were different and special.

 

You were not a coward and I thought your challenges were for the best.

I thought your calls meant you cared for me.

I thought the hour conversations and singing meant you wanted me.

 

But for what price?

I could feel the anxiety creep back in.

A ghost I set free a long time ago.

But the pain, the loneliness, the desire for a perfect partner was starting to overwhelm me.

I pushed myself into running away.

I began to long for the calls, as if they were nicotine in my system.

Who would have thought that you were worse than nicotine.

 

And the price I paid were the insults.

Subtle at first, baby stings that you brush aside because you don't want the abuse to be true.

And I thought I could defend myself more this time.

I was ready to defeat you

I was ready for you to realize
 

this is not how you treat a woman.

 

But they came harder

And your mansplaining, interruptions, crude jokes, and belittlement

Started to make me sick

 

You are a virus.

 

Ignorance

You told me I was full of that.

And I can accept ignorance on certain issues,

my own lack of knowledge on topics

I am trying to understand,

Just like everyone else.

Except it was the way you said it.

As if you just tasted the worst thing on the planet.

I could see the disgust on your face.

The contortions of your features

And I felt truly alone for the first time .

 

I wanted to yell at you.

Tell you I hated you

How you were the biggest disappointment of my life.

How glad I was to be leaving .

How I cursed the day you were born.

But all I could say was "can I go to sleep now?"

Did you know I saw someone at the store and I thought it was you.

I ran after a man who did not deserve my time.

And what did I expect to say ?

Please treat me better,

be good to me

Because.

I honestly do not think I can do any better than you?

Pathetic

There is hate,

there is pain,

there is disappointment,

there is the thirst for revenge.

 

But we are at a social standoff.

Two phones on the bedside table and I long

for a call just so I can send it to voicemail.

Who will shoot their gun first?

 

This time I don't intend on shooting,or losing.

This time I put my gun away.

This time I acknowledge the consequences,pack them, and walk the opposite direction.

Will you walk? Or shoot?