Dear Person Who Causes Me Grief and Pain

Mon, 01/26/2015 - 12:36 -- NatBad

Dear Person who causes me grief and pain

No I am not jealous. I am not jealous of the fact that you took away my one friend who could help me through crisis situations when I felt ready to slit my wrists and I feel weak. I am not jealous of the fact you took that person away from me. I do however a problem with the fact you took them away from me and made it impossible for me to depend on them. I am angry at the fact you have made me weak and dependent and made me realize my dependency.

Dear Person who causes me grief and pain

No I am not jealous of the fact that you are in a relationship with my friend. I don’t care about that- I honestly couldn’t care less. I’m glad you make each other happy. But I must remind you that you were my friend and I could depend on you but now it seems I cannot. Because you don’t care anymore, except that you care to cause me grief and pain, and you take advantage of that without even realizing.

Dear Person who causes me grief and pain

How could you not care anymore? You used to. But now you don’t and that doesn’t quite make sense to me: how one second you could understand and sympathize and empathize and the next you don’t even remember my name, that we care about each other, and how we mutually helped each other through our problems.

Dear Person who causes me grief and pain

Yes I am jealous. I am jealous of the fact that you can say “I love you” to your friends and family without feeling guilty, despite the fact that I don’t think that you actually are capable of loving anyone other than yourself.  I am no longer able to say “I love you” to anyone I know without feeling guilty because I don’t actually know if I do. I can’t say it to anyone, not my parents, my brother, or my friends, to the people who say “I love you” to me. I do not know if I can say it, if I can reciprocate it, because I don’t know if it’s true.

Dear Person who causes me grief and pain

I am jealous of the fact that you can say those things, and now you have one more way, one more reason, one more person. And I can’t say that. Because the last time I fell in love, the only time I fell in love, and what may be the only time I will ever fall in love, took my heart and broke it into pieces and crushed those pieces into the mud, without me ever saying the words “I love you”. I cannot say “I love you” because that person is not in my life, and you are taking one of the people that I could have said “I love you” to and you are able to say it but with so much carelessness that it makes my “I love you”s seem worthless. 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741