It was around freshman year,
My life had started to take a turn,
Near to the good and happy, but it also brought fear.
I realized one day that I was sad,
Not a normal kind of sad
I was never glad
Never totally and completely free of sadness and crying and the feeling that I was never good enough
One day I couldn’t take it much more
I had messed up so bad, I feared I would never be forgiven
I wrote my notes and cried in bed and then
I tightened the rope around my neck and said
This is it, good bye my world
But I fell and tripped and tore it all down
And I cried and cried and realized that
God wasn’t done with me yet.
I started to feel as if I had a purpose again, started to begin again
Started to rely less on a boy and more on myself
But with relying on myself comes consequences.
Consequences such as self-doubt, worthlessness, and hating myself
The demons scream “Never good enough, never going to be enough.”
I had started anew, a new year, but soon it set in again.
March came around and I fell in deep. Deeper than ever before.
My mom found me crying, with a bottle of Ibuprofen, on my bedroom floor, crying out for more
More, please God give me more
The pills are supposed to take this pain away, right?
We got help, a doctor, a therapist.
My therapist was named Laurel, rather is named Laurel
She is an angel sent from heaven, and told me to take the risk.
The risk of what? Of living.
She took me under her wing, told me I was good enough, and she was forgiving
But the only words that could save me were my own.
Summer rolled around and I still felt alone.
Junior year I thought was going to be swell
I was alive and well
Or so I thought
Soon everything became sour, boys became tools, friends became enemies
And I found myself crying out for help, trying to find a permanent remedy
Life got busy, I saw Laurel less
Life was beginning to become a big mess
I had no friends, no ambition, no motivation
Just scars and blades that took out the pain
Blades that I worked for, fought for, loved.
I burned a razor, in my room, window open, demons screaming
I burned off the plastic, burned my fingers, I didn’t care, life was over.
Soon it came off, and my skin was no longer soft
Rather hurt and painful
Crying and crying
Please God, someone save me
He was there all along, but I didn’t think he really cared all that much
I called him before I tried, crying out
Please God, let me say goodbye.
He answered, I didn’t even mention it.
At the end of the call, I was scared. I was really scared.
I gave him advice, said “Quit smoking, quit drinking, play music, love a girl, buy a car.”
He laughed and said he didn’t know about the first two all that much, but promised to try.
I hung up and there I went, back to the bathroom, back to my pills
Those pills, those magic pills, the anti-depressants and the acne meds, the Ivyprofin and the water head
Dripping with blood as my scars just bled. They bled often, enough to go through a tissue box
When I worked I couldn’t roll up my sleeves to fold, I had to pretend, put a smile on.
Greet people and make sure they found what they needed.
It got to the point where I didn’t want to live.
So there I was, bedroom floor, crying, screaming, wanting more.
I knew I had taken a lot, but I didn’t feel pain, I felt nothing
I desired happiness, sleeping without crying, friends who loved me
I didn’t want to live this life anymore, but I didn’t realize that you can change how you live without ending it all together.
I fell asleep that Friday night, floor and all, surrounded by empty pill bottles that had become my alcohol
I woke up, surprised that I had woken up
I called Bailey again and told him to come over
I showed him my scars and cried in his arms
I told him everything and he got so angry
I’ve never seen an angry Bailey
It’s quite a sight, but something you never want to see again,
For you see, he took me in his arms and screamed in my face
Don’t you ever do this to yourself again!
I cried and he cried and then it was over.
We watched the Justin Bieber movie, with popcorn and cola.
The demons still live in me, but just so you know
It’s been nine months since I last attempted and three since I’ve cut
Just because your life is a mess doesn’t mean you’re in a permanent rut
Change your life so it’s the way you want it to be
Look at things positively
And don’t ever fall to your knees
In drunkenness, in intoxication, in soberness or frustration
And give up on everything in your life,
Because even though the demons are here
There still is light.