Demons

It was around freshman year,

My life had started to take a turn,

Near to the good and happy, but it also brought fear.

I realized one day that I was sad,

Not a normal kind of sad

I was never glad

Never totally and completely free of sadness and crying and the feeling that I was never good enough

One day I couldn’t take it much more

I had messed up so bad, I feared I would never be forgiven

I wrote my notes and cried in bed and then

I tightened the rope around my neck and said

This is it, good bye my world

But I fell and tripped and tore it all down

And I cried and cried and realized that

God wasn’t done with me yet.

 

I started to feel as if I had a purpose again, started to begin again

Started to rely less on a boy and more on myself

But with relying on myself comes consequences.

Consequences such as self-doubt, worthlessness, and hating myself

The demons scream “Never good enough, never going to be enough.”

I had started anew, a new year, but soon it set in again.

March came around and I fell in deep. Deeper than ever before.

My mom found me crying, with a bottle of Ibuprofen, on my bedroom floor, crying out for more

More, please God give me more

The pills are supposed to take this pain away, right?

Never enough.

 

We got help, a doctor, a therapist.

My therapist was named Laurel, rather is named Laurel

She is an angel sent from heaven, and told me to take the risk.

The risk of what? Of living.

She took me under her wing, told me I was good enough, and she was forgiving

But the only words that could save me were my own.

Summer rolled around and I still felt alone.

Junior year I thought was going to be swell

I was alive and well

Or so I thought

Soon everything became sour, boys became tools, friends became enemies

And I found myself crying out for help, trying to find a permanent remedy

Life got busy, I saw Laurel less

Life was beginning to become a big mess

I had no friends, no ambition, no motivation

Just scars and blades that took out the pain

Blades that I worked for, fought for, loved.

I burned a razor, in my room, window open, demons screaming

I burned off the plastic, burned my fingers, I didn’t care, life was over.

Soon it came off, and my skin was no longer soft

Rather hurt and painful

Crying and crying

Please God, someone save me

He was there all along, but I didn’t think he really cared all that much

I called him before I tried, crying out

Please God, let me say goodbye.

He answered, I didn’t even mention it.

At the end of the call, I was scared. I was really scared.

I gave him advice, said “Quit smoking, quit drinking, play music, love a girl, buy a car.”

He laughed and said he didn’t know about the first two all that much, but promised to try.

I hung up and there I went, back to the bathroom, back to my pills

Those pills, those magic pills, the anti-depressants and the acne meds, the Ivyprofin and the water head

Dripping with blood as my scars just bled. They bled often, enough to go through a tissue box

When I worked I couldn’t roll up my sleeves to fold, I had to pretend, put a smile on.

Greet people and make sure they found what they needed.

It got to the point where I didn’t want to live.

So there I was, bedroom floor, crying, screaming, wanting more.

I knew I had taken a lot, but I didn’t feel pain, I felt nothing

I desired happiness, sleeping without crying, friends who loved me

I didn’t want to live this life anymore, but I didn’t realize that you can change how you live without ending it all together.

I fell asleep that Friday night, floor and all, surrounded by empty pill bottles that had become my alcohol

I woke up, surprised that I had woken up

I called Bailey again and told him to come over

I showed him my scars and cried in his arms

I told him everything and he got so angry

I’ve never seen an angry Bailey

It’s quite a sight, but something you never want to see again,

For you see, he took me in his arms and screamed in my face

Don’t you ever do this to yourself again!

I cried and he cried and then it was over.

We watched the Justin Bieber movie, with popcorn and cola.

The demons still live in me, but just so you know

It’s been nine months since I last attempted and three since I’ve cut

Just because your life is a mess doesn’t mean you’re in a permanent rut

Change your life so it’s the way you want it to be

Look at things positively

And don’t ever fall to your knees

In drunkenness, in intoxication, in soberness or frustration

And give up on everything in your life,

Because even though the demons are here

There still is light.

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