Demons In My Head

Every time I conjur up the smallest amount of courage and tell myself, " yes, i think i can. I can do this", something in me crushes it. It smothers that little spark of confidence and hope. Why am i so afraid? Why do i lack confidence the way that i do? I'm always in denial. Always listening to the voices in my head telling me i can't do it or i'm not good enough, so why even bother trying? "You'll never be as good as....or have as big of an impact as....or make a difference like....".This sucks. I feel so useless sometimes. So unworthy of life itself. When I really think about it, what have i done to deserve ANYTHING? This roof over my head, clothes on my back, a family that loves and cares for me. Nothing. I didn't do shit. I don't deserve any of it! I sometimes despise myself. I hate that i'm so good in so many things but not great in any of them. I hate that i care so much about every fucking little thing! Why do i care so damn much? I hate this coldness that seems to have taken over my spirit. I feel numb on the inside.  Lifeless. I feel hatred and anger more easily. All the negativity is making me so cold and I don't even have the will to make it stop anymore. I give up. fuck life. fuck people telling me what i need to do. I hate that I feel like i have to do what they advise me to do or Lord knows I'll regret it! Why can't i just do what i want to do and not what I'm ''supposed'' to do for once in my life. Why can't i stop worrying about the future? And most of all, WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKED UP IN THIS WORLD??...Including me? 

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