Wanting to explode is an understatment.
No matter the countless attempts to change the way I feel,
this torment of despair continues, relentlessly.
Will cutting oneself be the solution? What if I violently head
butt the walls, or hit myself with a hammer, surely that will release
Please give me a way to distract myself from this huge internal
angst I feel second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.
Thinking about a day ahead is full of dread.
I used to wake up full of hope for what lay before me.
As the clocked
ticked by my optimism was replaced with constant out-pourings
of my negative self talk.
I truly hate myself.
Yet rationally I attempt to challenge this warped outlook.
The balance of
which seems to favour insanity of normality, depression over
happiness, isolation over socialising. What hope do I have?
This dark cloud has been hanging over for me for an eternity,
thurst upon me like a bolt from the dark sky.
It has been my companion all my life. It has become
my default mechanism.
I've become acquainted with zoning out, switching off and
not facing my reality.
I've settled down with the inner workings of my mind, lost in
the maze, forever searching for an exit. I see the stages of
my life pass me by like a being a pedestrain watching
a stage coach on the highway. Frustratingly I see my close
friends and family swiftly move on with others, after a
previous relationship ends. I ask myself how is it not possible
I can develop this skill, this ability to move on?
I feel I can do nothing to stop this dire journey that has become
my best friend, my soul mate, my life partner.