dirty laundry
i was only ever an ornament
that glimmered against the background
of your already bedecked christmas tree
and though i was not the golden star
which claimed the post of glory at the very top
i comforted myself with the knowledge that
neither was i at the bottom
and that after it served its purpose
that self-same star would be relegated
to the same box of decorations as the rest of us
left in your attic to rot until you needed us again
i talked myself into believing
that if you looked closely
my notch on your bedframe
was a shadow deeper than the dozen others
a breath wider than either that bookended mine
and though i was not the current and therefore still significant
i comforted myself with the knowledge that
neither was i the first
with no knowledge of the betrayals that would follow
and neither was i the last
believing still that perhaps your knife had dulled
from the backs into which it had been plunged
and that perhaps your arm had so tired
from plunging it repeatedly thus
that you would not be wont to do so again
i was just one in a long list of names
kept crisply in a ledger in your desk drawer
not out of sentiment but rather borne of
a cold desire to keep order amongst your flock
and though my name was shorter than some
with no cause to warrant additional curlicues
or other embellishments that might catch your eye
i took comfort in the knowledge that
it was also longer than some
and therefore received more of your attention
drawing your eye to its sinuous curves
leading into elegant peaks and valleys
ending in a succinct dotted upturn
which spoke of hope that your journey with me
would never come to a spiralling end
as it did with so many others
i am little more than a faded memory to you now
unheeding as ever to your needle sharp clarity
in the haphazard collage of my memory
i may not have been your finality
but i comfort myself in the knowledge that
once
for a little while
you must have thought i could have been
to have used me so thoroughly
before affording me the small courtesy
of hanging me to dry instead of letting me drown
in the experience of you
(perhaps you simply forgot to bring the laundry in)