Disguised to Your Preference

I was never that girl
I'll never be that girl
I broke hearts
not the other way around
I slid in and out of these poor boys lives 
like the devil in disguise
because you always like 
what you think i am.
I've been with the emo skater boys
that show me how to glide with the board
like it's apart of my everyday movement
they wrote me poetry 
showing me their bleeding hearts.
we listened to alternative music
that stuck with me when i moved on.
I've been with arrogant wanna be muscle heads
and my fists became bloody and scarred 
from fighting for dominance
while my jeans hid the bumps and purple-yellow bruises scattered amongst my legs 
we were angry and passionate.
our hands never left one another
whether it was striking each other
while taking our flaws and shoving em down eachother's throats
or grapsing the area's only made for lovers in heat.
But then I met you and I wasn't sure who to be
you were a mystery to me and I was uncomfortable with uncharted territory 
this was new and i longed to conquer this
but somehow you gave me a taste of my own mediciene
you slipped it into my coffee 
while i thought about the many ways i could possibly break your heart. 
I fell down the rabbit's hole and woke up in wonderland,
completely, madly and utterly in love with you. 
I shed my snake skin 
and i realized i'm just as broken as the men i've left behind 
you saw parts of me i didn't even know were there.
upon realizing who I really am
I couldn't withstand the pressure and crumbled.
booze loved me the way I couldn't love myself
the warmth of the liquid that ran down my throat 
gave me more comfort than any man's arms around me ever have.
sometimes i cried
sometimes i layed down and looked up at the stars
and thought about why i was given the hand i was dealt
and if it even meant anything
like if everythig happened for a particular reason at all.
I thought about why I do the thing's I do 
and I don't like it very much.
so I take a long swig of my beloved bottle and the thoughts of you are getting a bit hazy.
I wanna see you so I call you
But you throw me over your shoulder and bring me home to my sweet bed
The liquor wears off and I let the salt water run down my cheeks before I pass out. 
I loved you, and I hated you.
I was okay before you !
These men cherished me like I was sent down to this Earth just for them to love.
They gave me all this love 
yet I can't even love myself
and I wouldn't have been so aware of this if you hadn't of showed up
not only did you do that but you made me fall in love with you
and then you shattered my heart 
like it was a mishap in your lovely day.
Now it's nothing like before. 
I don't want these new men to love me
I want them to crave me
I want their worlds to spin on my axis
I won't make a simile where I compare myself to drugs, 
and i'm their addiction. 
I wanna be their dealer,
the one they keep coming back to for more
because they can't live without what I provide
so that I hold the power.
I'll never actually need or want any of them
because it's only a temporary distraction from you,
no i'm not some love sick bitch still hung up over you
I'm hung up on the love there was and I want it again 
Just not with you.
For now i breathe in the attention from my lovely admirers 
because when they talk
it helps me ignore the cries of my battered heart.
  I got what I deserved but I didn't expect it be so bittersweet

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