My heart seems to have stopped beating.
Like it froze the moment I found out
And it believes that by holding still,
So still that it hurts,
It can keep time from moving too.
That you’ll come home
And none of it was real.

I miss you Noah.

Your beautiful eyes that saw the world with so much hope.
Eyes that seemed to look straight into someone’s soul
And loved what they saw no matter what.
Eyes the same hue as life.

Your sweet, sweet smile that could heal any hurting heart.
A smile, that even on your darkest days,
Slipped easily to your face.
A smile that made everyone else’s days brighter.

Your wonderful laugh that bubbled up from deep inside you.
A laugh that filled the room
And everyone in it.
A laugh that had everybody smiling along.

Your hands; hands that touched so many.
Hands that played with the world around them,
Never letting something get by.
Hands that moved as many hearts as they did Legos.

Your dreams.
To own a Taco Factory, because you loved them.
To be a doctor,
Because you loved helping any and every person you could.

Your wit.
Like when you said you owned a Taco Factory, people would ask how you got to work.
You just gave them this funny look
Like you knew something they didn’t.

Your determination.
Everything you did had a purpose,
Your words, your movements, your steps.
All carefully placed with quiet courage.

Your unfailing love.
Love you’d give freely to anyone.
Whether it be for helping you when you fell
Or simply because they shared their snack with you.

What am I going to do without you?
Did you know how much we needed you?
Do you know how empty this place where you used to be feels?
Will you ever know how loved you are?

What about her?
You two have always been together and now she’s here and you’re not.
You know she misses you more than the world itself.
No one will ever replace her best friend.

I remember the way you would get so stubborn sometimes.
You’d rather play Mario on the Wii or be a ninja then homework.
You used to let her draw on your face,
Just as long as she didn’t make you a girl.

I remember how you couldn’t stand it when your hair got too long.
When the light brown hair would start to swing in front of your eyes.
You would push it back impatiently
Still paying avid attention to whatever it was you were doing.

Some days it’s going to be harder than others.
I know that.
But you’d never want me to give up.
I’ve always known that.

I’ve got to stay strong,
For all of us.
But some days I don’t know how I’m ever going to fill this empty part of me.
The part that was overflowing with you.

I wonder if you ever watch us from Heaven.
Do you point us out to everyone up there and say,
“Look there’s my mommy and daddy and sisters.”
Do they say “What a beautiful family Noah,” and smile with you?

I know God is taking care of you now,
I know you’re surrounded by love.
I just wish you could have had a full life with us first,
But you were planted on Earth to bloom in Heaven.

What breaks my heart, though,
Is when I wonder if you would forgive him; Adam Lanza.
Because I know you and I know what a heartbreakingly beautiful soul you had
And that you would forgive him.

You would have told him “It’s ok. I’m not mad. We can still be friends.”
And never hold it against him.
That’s how you were,
You forgave and forgot, like you knew life was too short for anything else.

It makes me sick,
Thinking about that boy.
Because that’s all he really was.
A boy; a sad, sick boy that had hardly lived half a lifetime.

I hate him at times,
I hate him with all my heart for hurting you.
But I know if you could, you’d just give me a funny look and say,
“But Mommy, I’m ok now. I don’t want you to hate anybody.”

I’m struggling with that exact thought three weeks after your funeral,
Sitting at the kitchen table in the early morning

With my head in my hands and a cold cup of coffee in front of me.
Torn between hating a murderer and loving a son.

I hear her small feet coming down the stairs.
I know it’s her because her steps are just like yours,
But only a little softer.
You and Arielle were always the closest of twins.

I try and wipe the tears away before she sees them,
I don’t want to upset her.
But she sees the sadness in my eyes
And hugs me as tight as she can.

“Don’t cry Mommy. Don’t cry.”
I run my hands through her long hair,
Hair the same color and texture as yours.
“I know baby, but it’s hard.”

“Noah doesn’t want you to cry though.”
I smile because I know you wouldn’t.
“No really, he told me so.”
I squeeze her a little tighter; it’s been so hard explaining that you’re not coming home.

“Baby, Noah’s gone”
“I know that Mommy,
But he told me! I promise.”
I pick her up so she can see the confused look on my face.

“I talked to him last night; he came to see me in my dream.
He said ‘I know you guys are sad, and I don’t like that.
I know you miss me, but I’m always gunna be right here.’
He told me he has a Taco Factory up in Heaven.”

“He said ‘Tell Mommy it’s ok.
And tell her I love her more.’”
Something hits me deep in my heart,
And I know she’s telling the truth.

You never left us.

I love you Noah.
Forever and Always.