Drained From Falling Tears and Blood

Artificial Light and Black and Gray and Salty Clear

 

Once I had fallen, I couldn’t stand anymore

I could sit up

crawl, hunch at the best of times

but never as erect as my laptop screen

I preferred to lie down

sink into the ground as if it was quicksand

when no one was looking

 

No one looked too frequently

(it’s only been a year)

(where did everyone go while I was sitting here?)

 

I disconnected

roots pulled up no matter how stubborn or determined I was

now

I have no desire

to ground myself ever again

both gentle and rough hands

planted me with vain hopes of revival

but each time I fell over

 

Is it so bad that I didn’t want to be saved? to save myself?

 

Barely remembering what heat felt like

No effort to move, eat, breathe

No will to change

No effort to care

 

Foreign words never sounded so Golden and Blue

and suddenly I could stand, even dance

and the tears were from laughter

and only fake cries were emitted

and memories of burning lava pierced through

the titanium walls, protecting

an apathetic suicidal heart

 

I achieved this best when I was alone

 

The sun was too bright

The air was too humid

and there’s no one looking (why am I even here?)

so it’s too easy to sink now, no reason to do more than maybe open my eyes

 

The ones that do look force smiles,

enthusiasm that isn’t there

emotions I no longer have

or care to

 

So leave me alone

with my foreign words; eyeliner; dyed hair every month; clichés and cheesy romance;

my pandas; music, tv, and movies I can still stand

 

Let me sink slowly

until I finally rest my exhausted eyes

falling asleep as fast as rain

That first breath after almost suffocating

a grateful inhale, a soothing exhale

Engulfed in nothing

With too many sads to cry

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741