Drained From Falling Tears and Blood
Artificial Light and Black and Gray and Salty Clear
Once I had fallen, I couldn’t stand anymore
I could sit up
crawl, hunch at the best of times
but never as erect as my laptop screen
I preferred to lie down
sink into the ground as if it was quicksand
when no one was looking
No one looked too frequently
(it’s only been a year)
(where did everyone go while I was sitting here?)
I disconnected
roots pulled up no matter how stubborn or determined I was
now
I have no desire
to ground myself ever again
both gentle and rough hands
planted me with vain hopes of revival
but each time I fell over
Is it so bad that I didn’t want to be saved? to save myself?
Barely remembering what heat felt like
No effort to move, eat, breathe
No will to change
No effort to care
Foreign words never sounded so Golden and Blue
and suddenly I could stand, even dance
and the tears were from laughter
and only fake cries were emitted
and memories of burning lava pierced through
the titanium walls, protecting
an apathetic suicidal heart
I achieved this best when I was alone
The sun was too bright
The air was too humid
and there’s no one looking (why am I even here?)
so it’s too easy to sink now, no reason to do more than maybe open my eyes
The ones that do look force smiles,
enthusiasm that isn’t there
emotions I no longer have
or care to
So leave me alone
with my foreign words; eyeliner; dyed hair every month; clichés and cheesy romance;
my pandas; music, tv, and movies I can still stand
Let me sink slowly
until I finally rest my exhausted eyes
falling asleep as fast as rain
That first breath after almost suffocating
a grateful inhale, a soothing exhale
Engulfed in nothing
With too many sads to cry