The Duality of Self: Lost & Found

To the person I have been:

 

You were a young girl who carried the weight

of the world on your shoulders.

You were a sea of consciousness,

your heart vast & full

of treasured secrets. Your words brought waves

of revelation, inspiration, reincarnation,

as they washed ashore

into a world not yet prepared to embrace

their depth. You harbored

pain, but you buried it within,

so that when it surfaced, you radiated

passion. You felt if you could not change the world,

your suffering was in vain.

 

Drops of your ocean now stream down your face.

 

Crystal waters cloud to murky gray and

your teeming coral reefs decay, leaving

skeletons behind. In order to protect

yourself, you calcify an outer shell.

 

How much longer can you swim on the surface?

 

You are hope(less).

You are passion(less).

You are life(less).

You are emotional(ly drained).

You are complete(ly empty).

 

You’re drowning in the depths of your mind;

your thoughts steal the air from your lungs.

 

You have a mind for words
but no words in your mind.
You’ve been rendered empty,
your essence seized by the very
chemical reactions which
once brought it to life.

Mind breaks with body;

mind breaks with reality.

Your mind is taking a break;
you’re a body without a mind.


How can you move without purpose?

Your body’s taking a break;
you’re a mind without a body.
 

How can you claw your way out?

 

You know you can’t be present

without body and mind working

in conjunction to forge your being.

 

You sink deeper and darkness creeps upon you.

 

You’ve really lost yourself this time.

But it’s okay to lose yourself.

You must first lose yourself

to find yourself.

 

Your soul is a pearl forming,

trapped in its hostile environment.

 

Navigate the chasms of your mind.

Clear the pollution in search of clarity.

You will recreate yourself once more.

 

Just know that the longer you’re lost,

the less time you’ll have

once you’re found.

 

 

- The person I have become

 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

brenleymarks

This is a poem about my struggle with dissociation as a result of major depressive disorder. I had lost my sense of self completely and felt I was sinking deeper into darkness as my rumination spiraled out of control. Fortunately, I've recovered my health and I'm now working on rebuilding myself again. I found the courage to push through my darkest times and I'm using this courage to move forward. Through my depression, I've grown into a resilient and empathetic person who uses her pain to help others overcome their adversity. Compassion is the value from which I derive purpose in life. I paired this poem with an ink drawing that I created during this time, titled "Mindspace".

 

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