Dying in Tahoe

Do you want to know what lurks in the deep?

Beneath my bare skin and white teeth

Sitting deep within the bones

Screaming, aching, and groaning.

In the endless pit within my mind

The voices echoing…

              Fat

              Ugly

              Worthless

All the words that are slowly killing me.

 

Do you know how fucked up is my head?

There are days I wish I was dead,

Because I can’t handle the thoughts,

That torment and torture my bright mind,

Because I have led myself to believe that they are right.

Mention my weight after I eat,

After I have given into my own disgusting indulgence

And I can convince myself that I am sick,

Relieving my body of most, if not all

That it once consumed.

There are days that I still want to cut

Because it releases the anxiety,

And self-hatred in my guts.

 

They say things so innocently,

Looking out for my best interests,

But they don’t know how it hurts me,

Drowns me,

Kills me.

I choke on my own tears,

Because crying is weakness in their eyes,

But they will never know how many times

I have held them back,

Only to let them slip through the cracks

Of a shattered spirit.

 

They will never know how many nights

I’ve spent crying myself to sleep,

With nightmares chasing me.

They don’t will never know how much it kills me

To hate what I love,

What I take pleasure in,

Only to find myself worse off than before.

They will never get how each word they say

I will take to heart

Because I love them that much.

They don’t see the effort I put in.

They don’t see that I am dying.

 

I really do try,

I really am fighting,

More than they know.

As I stare up at snowy mountains,

And down at the lake that is blue,

Breathing in crisp fresh air,

Crying.

What comfort lies in the moment

Is now gone

A wonderful trip

Tainted

By the lies of my mind.

 

So instead of the sad memory,

I can focus on better,

The glowing light of sunset

And how it shimmers

Upon the lake glowing below,

As the white jagged horizon points

To the rising stars,

Clearing the acidic taste in my mouth

And replacing it with the sweet nectar of nature’s love. 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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