To the one who haunts me most:

 

I shove my feet into the boots and pray nobody sees me shake.

Every morning, I wake up with a sense of regret lingering in my system.
Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

The water falls down my body, burning me from the outside in.

I pick up the soap and rub it all away

Today will be a new day.

Showers always make me feel cleaner.

I choose an overpriced, too sweet body wash and bathe myself in its scent.

Wash.

Wash.

Wash.

Rub away the pain.

I rub the scent into my skin until I’m sure everything is washed away.

I move onto my hair.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Lathering up every bit of hair on my head, I cleanse it all.

Praying it melts into my skull, allowing all of my thoughts to become as sweet as the shampoo.

I watch the soap fall into the drain.

A new day.

A shower a day washes the pain away, right?

I eat my breakfast to keep this tired machine working.

Munch. Munch. Munch.

My movements are programmed, afraid that I’ll break if I step out of line.

So I stay safe, keep my mouth shut, and eat my breakfast.

My mind tries to wander, but it stops once I put on my leather jacket.

The jacket is smooth and smells like smoke.

I breathe in the scent to calm myself.

It smells like me.

I feel secure in the jacket, one more layer to keep my mind sa---

WARNING. ERROR. ERROR.

AN ERROR HAS OCCURRED.

REBOOTING.

I feel secure in my it-- one more layer to keep my heart safe from my mind..

Rebooting.

I breathe in the scent to calm myself on the days where I cannot remember who I am.

Rebooting.

Munch. Munch. Munch.

Away the words that threaten to spill like an overflowing- The words I am to scared to say.

REBOOTING.

Lathering up every bit of hair on my head- PRAYING ALL MY THOUGHTS BECOME AS SWEET AS THE SHAMPOO. MY THOUGHTS ARE SOUR. I CANNOT TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER.

ERROR.

REBOOTING.

I pick up the soap and rub it (HIM) away.

WARNING SYSTEM IS REBOOTING. PLEASE HOLD.

Rub away the painnnnnnnnn-IT HURTS.

LEFT.

RIGHT.

LEFT.

LEFT

RIGHT

LEFT. RIGHT. LEFT. RIGHT

RUB.

WASH.

MUNCH.

DRIP.

WAKE UP.

WAKE UP.

YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP.

WAKE UP

RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT

 

REBOOTING COMPLETE.

SYSTEM ERASED.

 

(...)

 

I shove my feet into the boots and pray nobody sees me shake.

This time. You won't control me.

Love,

C