Evolution

You’ve changed.
That’s what they keep telling me.

You’ve… changed.

Of course,
you’re right.
I’m not the
vulnerable,
young girl
I used to be.

I won’t walk around
with my head down,
chin staring blankly at the concrete,
to hide the teardrops
streaming down my cheeks –
no, not anymore.
I won’t suck in my stomach to impress you.
I won’t foam at the mouth for your
insignificant validation.
I won’t restrict or suppress
my mind,
decline
to articulate my soul
in fear of being ridiculed.

No, not anymore.
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine.
Even if it’s blinding to your
eyes.

You know why?

I remember saying out loud
“I hate myself”.
couldn’t bare to
glare at
my reflection
without being reminded
of the words I heard –

he said
she said
they told me

“you aren’t worthy”
and I
believed
them.

Dear diary,
I wish I was beautiful.
what’s wrong with me?

I recall
the
nauseated feeling
in my stomach
I’d get from seeing the
morning sunshine.
My dad having to drag me
out of bed each morning
because I didn’t want to be awake to begin with.
I remember walking in the school
building like
a walking corpse
bones aching
hands trembling
face radiating warmth
from my blood pressurerising
heart palpitating
knees
intertwining
in fear of fear itself.
I remember
sitting in the back of class
like a wallflower yet to bloom
aching to be noticed
but begging internally
not to be approached,
only speaking unless
spoken to first.

I remember the
masterpieces
I painted on my wrists
so passionately,
I tried to hide with
long sleeves in the summer
and stacks of silver
and gold jewelry.

I remember when I
gave myself
pep talks in the mirror
on the nights
I ached with desperation
to leave this world-

I told myself,
listen –
Someday,
you and me.
We… will be amazing.
Everything is
going to change.

And now,
I love myself
I wink at my reflection
every time we meet.
Damn gurl, you look
so beautiful
inside and out –
you make younger me so proud.

Now, in her loving memory –
I caress this
goddess given
throne every chance I get,
acknowledge my intellect
treat myself with the utmost respect.
I adore this glorious
hourglass figure
these full hips
and insightful
uncensored lips.
I now utilize
negativity
as spite
to further amplify
the rhythm
of my heartbeat,
satisfy the
fibers of which
my mind speaks.

Now,
I purposely
smile blissfully
laugh obnoxiously
exist unremoursefully
speak uncensored
breathe,
however I ache
to do so,
because I learned…

I deserve to
grow into the
rare caliber
of woman I
have transformed into.

So,
When you say
“You’ve changed”,
I would hope so.

I am better than I was.
and I will be even
better than I am.

I’m only just
getting started.

This poem is about: 
Me

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