Faces

Monday through Friday I race the sun awake. Shower, makeup, give my hair a shake. I dress for an interview, yet it’s my every day apparel. Pack a lunch and I’m out the door, 7:45 I clock in. I’m young, yet I need to be professional. These people knew me as a child, now I’m an adult, and expected to act like one. I’m barely twenty, not even close to being married, yet I have a job like a woman who’s carried, carried multiple children and knows how to love. I work with children every day. With autism, bipolar, I help them find their way. And these teachers, they know that, but they cannot see these kids and what they can truly be. That’s where I come in. To support them, encourage them, and help them with their homework. To help them fit in and be happy despite their every quirk. I give them hope that they can succeed and I’m there for them through their every need. I’m a mentor, a teacher, and although I’m of authority I try to be a friend. Because I know what they go home to when their school day’s at an end. No matter what goes on in my life, I have to be there for these kids. I have to be the one to give them try after try. No matter how hard they push I will not say goodbye. Through their daily struggle I have to make them smile, make them laugh, I have to give my full effort; it wouldn’t work with just half. These children are sick in way you can’t always see. I’m not a doctor but almost have to be. Because even though I might not be treating them per say, I’m there and I’m helping them every school day. Yes I get frustrated, irate, disappointed; but I have to remember that their lives are disjointed. Monday through Friday I’m there for them eight to three, I’m there for them, regardless of me.

 

Three forty-five I clock out and go home. Yet when I go home I’m so much alone. I have animals and they’re there to greet me, but this isn’t the place that I want to be. I’m here because I was told to be here, and although it seems great I have a lingering fear. Because my family moved me here and wanted me out. No matter what they say I know what this is about. My dad and my sister moved back in with my mom and although it seems great it hit me like a bomb. Because what they did was cut out the black sheep. I long for this to be a dream; that I’m only asleep. But I know in reality there’s no going back, their way of life is something I lack. The way I think just doesn’t line up, but I can’t play around like a helpless pup. I have to be strong, be a will that’s unshakeable. No matter how much they try I have to be unbreakable. My whole life I’ve been fighting against my dad’s cruel words, which is why I love watching the wild birds. Because they can be free, and one day that’ll be me. But what cost will that be? Between my mother and me I’m driving a wedge and now I’m standing on a breaking ledge. One more mistake and I’m gone forever because there is no rope that I can tether. My whole life I’ve been the jester in a game of fools, my skills have been my only tools. I can play the part they want in public yet my patience burns like a shortened wick. I see my dad with people he knows and the face he shows makes me want to be sick. For when I’ve done something wrong I see his expression corrode; I know when we get home he’s going to explode. When we fight the house becomes hell fire chaos, for me to leave would be no loss. Yet to my sisters and mom I try to show love, but the blame put on me fits like a glove. During holidays I have to be the poster child or my relatives will think I’ve gone wild. To keep me contained I’m here on my own. This experiment is to see how I handle being alone. It’s the first step they take to cutting the cord because when it comes to me they become bored. To my family I seem to love it here, but deep inside I still have that fear.

 

So what do I do? I stay surrounded by friends. Because with them a love never ends. They’re there for me whenever I need and will hold me when my heart starts to bleed. I tell all of them I have an open door because for them I try to be more. Ask how I am; a mother hen they’ll say. But it’s this broken heart that’s made me this way. I try to be genuine to each and every one and change their life by the time I’m done. I’ll listen, hold, and wipe away tears and all I ask is for them to lend me their ears. Because I’ll give advice and try to ease their sorrow and remind them that there will be a better tomorrow. For some of them I’m their rock and foundation. They come to me with every frustration. Every time they have a problem they come to me and I try to solve them. Whether they need to vent to try and calm down or they truly need to be picked up off the ground, I will be there for them with a loving hand. I’ll stay by their side when they take a stand. Among my friends it’s commonly known if they have me they’re never alone. I’ll never judge for something they have done and they know to me they can always run. If they get lost I’ll be their guiding light. When darkness smothers I’ll still shine bright. Because each and every one I hold dear in my heart no matter how many miles we may be apart. No matter how far I’ll be by their side. I’m in it forever and along for the ride. Each one of my friends is a priceless gem and I promise to always be there for them. Helping a friend I never tire, in fact it seems to fuel my fire.

 

I’m a daughter who’s alone but for my friends I’m a home. My strength every morning is the one thing that guides me. I’ll face the ocean of life whatever the tides be. I’m a stone that very ocean beats against but I stand my ground with my body tensed. Although trapped in routine my spirit is free. It shows me the person I can make myself be. Right now I don’t know which direction to go and expectations nag at me like the caw of a crow. At times I feel myself begin to break but then I remember how much is at stake. Life has drug me down to my knees, but to my freedom I now have the keys. I know my potential is something more and my dreams will be my wings to soar. As trapped as I seem my heart is free, and to my past, this I decree: my heartache is something I rise above and one day my heartache will be filled with love. 

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