A fair haired child born of a Mama converted to religion and a Daddy inclined to believing from afar.
She was told God watched over her, and protected her from all the evils of the world. She was taught of the love he held for her and the never ending grace he possessed.
Sundays at the Church melted into Tuesdays at the School learning the words of faith, becoming what her Mama intended her to become. Transforming into that polite, kind, girl everyone wanted her to be.
“Our Father whom art in Heaven…” “Hail, Holy Queen…” “Oh my God I am sorry for my sins…”
Those words and the faith of thy Mother and support of thy Father carried that little girl into a small room to rid herself of sins trivial, but important in the eyes of her faith (the adults in the other room thought humorous the carrying words of a child’s guilt).
As the years drew on her Mama’s faith slowly began to dwindle, while hers still stood ablaze. Those Tuesdays learning the beauty of God’s will now stood to be inconsistent, while her Mama’s priorities shifted elsewhere (stressed faces, and the barbed words of her parents filled the blank space).
Still, she made it into a room of well-kept children with beliefs that still held the innocence of her heart. That innocence accepted the body and blood.
The little girl grew older, as did the world around her, slowly beginning to lose its white haze of ignorance. While her Mama’s actions were becoming clear, her Daddy was still there.
Still, she made it into a room of those whom followed the same faith, ready to continue on. A sponsor nearby, and the spirit of Mary’s Mother, Anne confirming and guiding her way.
Her Mother was now gone in a gust of wind, and what she once saw as magnificent and beautiful slowly was crumbling away before her eyes (those nights praying on her knees faded, as did those Sunday’s listening to the choir sing).
“Now you lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
No longer was there a fair haired little girl. In her place stood a brunette with a grimmer understanding of a once faith laden world.
Prayers hadn’t stopped her Mother, they hadn’t stopped the downfall of a family. Her pillar of safety stood in the people who had not broken her faith nor her trust; it no longer was kept in something invisible, untouchable.
“I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth; of all things visible and invisible…”
Her Mother was gone, Her Father was still there.
The years continued on…. faith of family and friends remained strong, but that of the religion planted in her early on lacked something important.
Critics poured down upon the brunette; vultures whom they themselves, follow not through with their words, but their judgment. She was a sinner, they were not.
They washed away sins only to continue on to drown in more. To drown in “righteous” pleasure, while she suffered in the agony.
“To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve: to thee do we send up our sighs…”
Judgement took its toll; guilt eating the mind of the young woman. The faith of her religion was no longer concrete, but that did not necessarily take away her belief.
Belief was more than the constraints of a tightly wound religion.
Even with the lost Mother, the pillars of strength had keep a spark of something bright in the depths of her heart.
“Turn then, most gracious Advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us…”
Those prayers of the past slowly trickled back into her life, not out of duty, but out of the need for a guardian. A guardian that did not judge her for the change in practices, but supported her through life’s trials.
“As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end…”
No longer am I that little girl.
Prayers Used: The Apostles Creed; Hail Holy Queen; Glory Be…